In the past three weeks I have gone on two separate vacations. This Thursday I am heading out again. My body is exhausted. I can tell that it hates what I'm feeding it. I threw up while in Georgia at my sister's and I puked on our not-quite-camping trip this past week. What the fuck is wrong with my body?

I am pretty sure that I was dehydrated. Sure, I drank water but not as much as I should have. I was surrounded by sodas! And beer! Two things that we don't keep in our house. I also had to endure the sights and smells of meat being cooked and eaten all around me. My sister didn't consume her usual amount of meat while I was there (I cooked most of our meals when I visited) but our camping trip was another story.

My brother-in-law's wife is a good cook. She claims to enjoy it. What she enjoys doing is filling the cabin with the scent of cooking flesh. Brats boiling on the stove. Brisket slow-cooking in the crock pot. Maybe my stomach couldn't handle me even smelling meat. Hey, it's possible.

ANYWAY. I also ate a lot of junk food (ie- chips, cookies) that I don't normally eat. My body cried "Uncle!" in the only way it can - by making me vomit.

I get it, body, you're upset.

I am detoxing this week. At least, until I go to New York on Thursday morning. I'm not doing it in a last-ditch effort  to lose a few pounds. Fuck that. I'm doing it because I feel like shit and I want the toxins out of my body.

So instead of puking? I'll be pooping. A lot.

I am on vacation this week and promised my husband that I would unplug at least one day this week. Today was that day and I did really well until we started playing this word puzzle game called Up Words and OF COURSE we needed a dictionary. My sister-in-law searched using her Blackberry, I was on my iPod Touch using my Dictionary.com app and Jacob was on my laptop searching Webster dictionary's site. And my mother-in-law was using the REAL dictionary. Like, words printed on paper and bound! In a book!

How.... antiquated.

We are having a killer time and I will share photos and stories (like the one about me standing up on a raft being pulled by a boat going twenty miles per hour. I'm a bad ass) when we return home.

Have a great rest of the week!

Are you going to BlogHer and have no idea what to do for dinner the Thursday before the conference?

My roommate Fadra noticed my dispair at not having dinner plans and she proposed that we organize a casual but totally rad dinner party. I agreed, of course. Fadra is so wise and amazing and I get to see her in her skivvies.

ANYWAY. Here's the plan:

Thursday evening at 5pm we will be meeting in the lobby of the Hilton midtown (the home base for the conference) and walking to Zen Palate which is located at 663 Ninth Ave. (at 46th St). It's mere blocks away from the hotel.

The menu is vegetarian and vegan-friendly and the items on the menu notate common allergens if any.

We are having an early meal so that everyone will have time to hit up all of the parties and not feel rushed. And isn't it nice to meet people in a smaller and more intimate setting first? YES IT IS.

If you are interested in joining us please RSVP by leaving a comment on this post or @'ing me on Twitter. Also, grab the badge! I made it so let's use it. Or don't.

FYI - This is not a sponsored dinner. It's just a rad good time.

I hate reading vacation recaps. I still read them. What I hate more than reading them is WRITING them. Can I do a bulleted list of my vacation to Georgia? I can't even post photos because my sister unloaded my camera every night and I forgot to burn them to a CD before leaving on Tuesday. I blame the toddler.

One day my sister, niece, Avery and I visited historic downtown Savannah and attempted to take photos of the girls (our daughters, not our breasts). They were hot and cranky which resulted in some not-so-perfect but accurate photographs. I am not a fan of posey-posed photographs anyway. A photo capturing a child trying to climb into a fountain is much more interesting to look at than one of a child standing in front of it. I appreciate my niece and daughter for teaching me that. Also? Those iconic photos of the trees covered in Spanish moss that create a canopy over the streets of Savannah? Yeah, where exactly are those streets? We drove around and found a couple of streets that looked decent enough to photograph but I have no idea where a photograph like this was taken. In all fairness to myself I am a lousy photographer so I'm sure the streets we found were good enough but I just didn't capture the trees the way I wanted to capture them.

ANYWAY. Have you ever seen a paragraph about photography that didn't feature any photographs?

We also went to Jekyll Island and played at the beach. It was Avery's first time seeing the ocean and my first time in several years. It was dirty and sandy. Obviously. The grapes we brought got sand on them. My bottled water had sand in it. My clean towel had sand on it. My shoes? I didn't wear flip flops because I'm an idiot so my ballet flats? Yep, full of sand.

Other than the sand the beach was awesome (yeah, I just said that). Even playing in the sand was fun. Avery and my niece played with their plastic rakes and shovels while my sister wrote messages in the sand to her husband so that she could photograph them and post them on Facebook. He is deployed in Iraq right now and she isn't handling his deployment well. Would you?

That was actually why I came to visit her: I was her 200 pound anti-depressant. How many milligrams is that?

We spent too much money and had a great time. Our days flew by and after a week I had to fly back home. I wasn't ready to leave and she wasn't ready for me to leave either. We had a blast and I miss her already.

It looks like we are flying over water which is awesome. Avery is doing really well; she has slept all day through both flights. So far. I think I have about an hour and a half left of the flight to Dallas. I am so ready to be home. While I no longer have panic attacks on airplanes that doesn't mean that I want to spend my life in one. In two-ish weeks I will be flying to NYC and that is causing me some preemptive anxiety. Not only am I freaked out about being in a new city I will be all alone. Flying alone, that is. Once I get to the hotel I will be among friends. And hopefully I can handle those social situations without assistance from XANAX! And why do we have turbulence going through clouds? They're mother fucking clouds. Puffs of air. Just kidding. It is getting a little bumpy but no one else including the flight crew seems concerned so I am not going to worry. This is a huge deal for me. I am seriously proud of myself!! Yay me!! I can fly without having a panic attack. This is huge.

The fasten seatbelt sign is on and I have to pee!! But I couldn't go anyway because Avery is sleeping on me.

This flight seems like it is going by slower than the first two. I bet it's because I am ready to get home. And I have to pee.

And now my arm is asleep.

I am totally blogging from what is apparently a propeller plane. I am on 1mg of XANAX! and Avery is sleeping in my lap.

I want to write all about the flight and my trip to Georgia but since I'm still in Georgia it would be incomplete and I don't want to have to go back and edit the post. I'm just that lazy.

Since you really just want to see photos I will share a few with you. You're welcome.

(I haven't edited any of the photos yet. I will do it once I get home.)

P.S. My narcissistic sister just came by and saw the collage and asked if there were any photos of her in it.

Here is my tentative itinerary for BlogHer (because you totally care, right?):



THURSDAY:

3pm: Arrive in NYC and take taxi to hotel

5pm: I HEART FOOD! Dinner @ Zen Palate (join me!)

6pm: SocialLuxe party

8pm: People's Party


FRIDAY:

8am: Newbie breakfast

9am: Opening speeches

10am: Sight-seeing (none of the morning sessions interest me)

11:45am: Lunch at Hilton

2:45pm: Writing Lab (maybe)

4:45pm: Community keynote

6pm: Dinner (will use this time to change clothes and freshen up)

7pm: Gala Welcome Party

9pm: #BarHer! (details to come!)
SATURDAY:

8am: Breakfast

9am: Recap

9:30am: Morning keynote

10:45am: Writing or Personal Lab (can't decide yet)

12pm: Lunch at Hilton

1:30pm: Sight-seeing (or napping)

3pm: Humor writing

5pm: Closing keynote

6pm: Dinner (TBD)

8pm: Mother fucking SPARKLECORN


SUNDAY:

11:30: Fly the fuck home.


I am so excited but getting really nervous too. The fear of being excluded and finding out that in real life no one likes me becomes more intense every time I think about it. But you know what? Fuck it. I am going to put on my big girl panties and insanely uncomfortable heels and be myself. I may actually introduce myself to people I don't know.

Now, Lauren, let's not get carried away.

I am one lucky bitch.

We live within 150 miles of three, count 'em, ONE, TWO, THREE sets of grandparents who practically fight over who gets to watch the baby when Jacob and I have date night.

It is fucking rad.

Last weekend (which also featured the "sushi incident") Jacob and I decided that we would try something we've never done before...

No, not THAT.

We spent the night without the baby.

That's a huge milestone for new parents and we handled it really well. The time away from Avery was necessary; we both needed a break from her and hell, we wanted to sleep late in the morning! She spent the night at my mom's house and aside from her not really going to sleep until three in the morning everything went smoothly.

And really, it was her grandfather's fault that she had a hard time sleeping. They didn't listen to me when I told them her bedtime routine. I told them that she won't sleep unless she's in a crib (or pack 'n play) and in a separate room from them. She will also cry a little bit once they put her to bed but it will only last a few minutes and then she'll go right to sleep.

Did they fucking listen? NO.

They have only themselves to blame.

ANYWAY, the night away from the kiddo was awesome. We drank. A lot. We also played Lego Harry Potter on the Xbox (which is so much fun I could puke) and did other things that are totally none of your business.

It was wonderful. We got out of bed around 11am and took our time getting to my mom's. Aside from the sleep issue (again, if they had only listened and not been all "I know more because I'm the grandparent") they said that Avery did well. AWESOME! VICTORY! Jacob and I could totally use more nights sans toddler and I have already booked some nights away. Since it went really well Jacob and I are even going to spend an entire weekend away from Avery in September.

I missed her but it was so nice to not have to worry about waking her up with our loud video game playing which got louder as we got more drunk (I totally almost typed drunker).

I think that spending a night away from your kids every now and again is important for your marriage and I am grateful that we have family close by to make it possible. I do not and will never be comfortable leaving my child (and subsequent children) with anyone we aren't related to or don't know really well. No random babysitters. EVER.

 
(I'm up for funniest blog. Vote for me or I'll cry.)    

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 (I'm up for funniest blog. Vote for me or I'll cry.)