MOMMMY IS ROCK 'N ROLL: May 2010

Friday, May 28, 2010

Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year

8:20 AM | Posted by Lauren

Do you ever sit around and think that your parents don't criticize you enough? You've got the house, the job, the husband and your kids are thriving. Your parents have run out of things to judge and you feel like something is missing. How do you remedy this?

Convert your family to veganism.

Go on, do it. And the first time you tell your mom about it she will give you the verbal grating you've been craving.

About a month ago I learned about how our food arrives to us in neat little packages and it was so devastating that I swore to never eat animal products ever again. Since I am the cook I control what we eat which means that in my house we eat a plant-based diet. My daughter is vegan and my husband, well, he's a grown up so he can do whatever the hell he wants.

This caused an uproar with my parents. My step-mom was respectful since her daughter is vegetarian and she gets it but I forgot to tell her so when she started feeding my daughter cheese I had to politely ask her to stop. My dad informed me that they will feed her whatever they want when I'm not around and I thought that I was going to lose it. I couldn't believe that he was being so disrespectful. I was so shocked that I couldn't speak for a moment. Thankfully my step-mom diffused the situation by slapping him on the leg and telling him that they'll feed their granddaughter based on her new diet.

I just couldn't believe it. Everyone else has been polite and asked me questions out of curiosity about getting enough protein or calcium or if a vegan diet was safe for a baby (it is) but this was absurd.

My mom babysat the kiddo the other night and she acted like she had never cooked a meal without meat or dairy because I had to provide dinner for them. It looks like I need to get some vegan cookbooks for the parents to avoid any awkward moments at the dinner table.

Or just never visit them during meals.

13 comments

Thursday, May 27, 2010

BLOG DESIGN SERVICES

9:39 PM | Posted by Lauren

Is your blog ugly or boring? It probably is. Be honest with yourself. It's cluttered and inefficient and doesn't reflect your personality or writing. Unless you're cluttered and inefficient. And ugly. Then I guess you have accomplished your goal.

If you want to take your blog to the next level you need a custom design. Doing it yourself is nearly impossible because reading hundreds of lines of code is painful. And boring. And paying someone to do it can get really expensive.

That is, unless you pay ME to do it.

All of my services include installation and troubleshooting. If you don't see what you want on here let me know because it's probably something I can do!

Complete Blog Design Package - $100

This includes a custom blog design with the following:

Header with one stock graphic plus your blog title and description
Sidebar customization with six sidebar titles (about me, followers, etc.)
Horizontal link tabs
Coordinating post signature
125x125 badge with "grab me" text box (Or it can be whatever size you'd like but that's the 'norm')
Background, fonts, and links to color coordinate with header design

A la carte services

Custom header - $30
Header with one stock graphic plus your blog title and description to coordinate with existing design.

Badge with "grab it" code text box - $15
125x125 badge with code text box (Or it can be whatever size you'd like but that's the 'norm'). Swap badges with friends!

Favicon - $4
A favicon is the little image that you see in the url bar of your web browser. If you use Blogger it is an orange "B." This extra touch makes your blog extra special.

Post signature - $3
Image at the end of each post. It's kind of like signing your name at the end of each post which adds a great personal touch. Will coordinate with existing layout.

Set of four social media buttons - $12
These buttons are essential for any blog! Includes Twitter, Facebook, RSS, and Email buttons that will coordinate with your blog design.

Additional stock image for header - $15/each
While it may be a stock image it can be tweaked to a point and I can add it to your header or sidebar.

Post Title Font - $8
This will change the font of your post titles to a font that will coordinate with your design. Even if your readers don't have the font on their computers they can still see it. It's a very cool upgrade.

Matching Twitter Background - $10
Blogging and tweeting go together like peanut butter and jelly. I will create a background for your Twitter profile page that you can upload yourself.

Email me and let's talk!

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12:43 AM | Posted by Lauren

I have never done a giveaway on my blog before but there's a first time for evetrything.

After talking to a friend about eating healthier and possibly converting to a vegan diet I was told that I needed to read The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone. It was not only a how-to but a why-to as well. Silverstone shares her journey and her reasonings behind her lifestyle choices in addition to sharing tons of nommy recipes that are sooooooooo easy to prepare.

She lets you know that it's okay to do it in steps because gradually letting go of an animal-based diet is the best way to do it for most people. I quit cold turkey (pun TOTALLY intended) but to each her own.

If you are interested in becoming vegan or just looking to eat healthier meals with the absense of processed foods I totally recommend this book.

With that said I am giving away my copy of the book! I have read it and made note of my favorite recipes and now I'm passing it onto someone else because that's what good little vegans do.

This will be really easy. Leave a comment and tell me your favorite meal and what you can do to make it healthier and friendlier. You can only comment once. Because obviously.

The drawing will take place on Wednesday, June second at midnight so you've got about a week to enter. Good luck!

16 comments

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Bathing beauties.... and a dog

2:37 AM | Posted by Lauren

My daughter had a play date on Monday with a little boy and his dog.

The last photo is my favorite because it's so chaotic. Avery was doing something precious (like ALWAYS) and as soon as the camera captured the moment the dog came into the frame. It was such a silly and fun day. We don't have a dog so borrowing someone elses for Avery to play with is inevitable.

I hope that the summer brings more days like this one. Besides, I need to get a fucking tan.

5 comments

Monday, May 24, 2010

Eat where you shit

2:27 AM | Posted by Lauren

UPDATE: The folks at BHG have updated the article by removing the breastfeeding "commandment" and issued an apology. It's too little too late because it received over 800 comments and thousands more page views before it was removed. If you missed the part where she talks about nursing at the table fret not because I included the quote below.

Tonight an article on the Better Homes and Gardens site was tweeted and since it was called "The 10 commandments of dining with little kids" I assumed it would be a well-written advice piece written by a mom to help parents have pleasant outings at restaurants with our children.

It was not. It was a fluff piece written by a woman who doesn't even have children.

Yeah, before I had Avery I was a great parent too.

Most of the "commandments" are obvious like "thou shall try to squell high-pitched screaming" and "thou shall calmly discourage food fights." Well, no shit. (Also, isn't it quell? I don't think that squell is a real word.)

The commandment that is causing all of the fuss is "thou shalt not breast feed at the table." The author goes on to suggest taking your nursling into the bathroom to eat because some upscale restrooms are really nice.

Are you kidding me? Avery is past the age of nursing during meals but it wasn't that long ago when she would reach for me from the highchair and I would take a scarf and cover up just enough to be "discreet." And then I would continue to eat my meal with my free hand. I would chat, enjoy the company of the others at my table, and when she was finished or she had fallen asleep I would tuck my breast back into my shirt and either hold my sleeping child or put her back into her highchair.

I have never had anyone say anything to me about it. Jacob and I have a friend who is not necessarily anti-breastfeeding but he's kind of THAT guy (a la Bill Maher). Tits are for sex, after all! Even he doesn't say anything about my nursing. If he did my husband would dismember him. When I need to nurse Avery I don't hide in another room and I certainly don't hide in the bathroom. When Avery was only a few months old I would walk around the mall with another mom. She was very modest and when her son was hungry she wanted to go to the lounge where she could nurse "openly." Yeah, it was more comfortable to not cover up but it was just feet from the toilets.

All I know is that the more I nursed in public the easier it became. I didn't feel like I had to nurse in the car before going into a store. I could simply put Avery in the sling, cover her up and nurse. It gets more obvious the bigger she gets but I don't show my breast because I know how square people are.

It doesn't matter to me if a woman nurses her baby without covering up. Who the hell cares?! And yeah it is as easy as STOP LOOKING. In my entire life I have only noticed a handful of women nursing. It is happening all around you and we're just so good at it that you don't notice.

If you think that mothers should cover up while nursing I ask you to think about why you feel this way because it is no doubt from a warped sense of the proper usage for breasts or your own feeling of inadequacy.

Actually I don't mean that shit. I know that women are sexualized and it's been indoctrinated into our brains that we are for the pleasure of men and not for birthing and nursing children.

We are both. And that's pretty cool. And if you leave a comment comparing nursing to taking a shit or having sex I am going to delete it. Because nursing = eating.

12 comments

Friday, May 21, 2010

Hustlin'

9:50 PM | Posted by Lauren

If you follow me on Twitter (I know how much you all LOVE it when a blog post opens with that phrase) you have no doubt seen me hawking my goods (not those kinds of goods) that I'm selling on eBay. While I never use my blog or Twitter in order to sell something except for the occasional sponsored tweet I figured that tweeting my auctions would be a good way to help sell my shit.

Why am I auctioning off all of my crap? GOOD QUESTION.

I need the money. There, that was simple enough.

More specifically I need the money for that little unknown blogging conference that I'm attending in August in NYC. This trip is going to be expensive and since I don't have a job (at least not one that generates income on a regular basis) I have to find a way to get the money so that my husband doesn't have to foot the bill for a trip he isn't even taking.

I have never taken a trip like this before and by that I mean one that I had to pay for myself. My husband and I even had some help to pay for our honeymoon and that was the last vacation I took. I have gone on little weekend trips to visit family but visiting family is NOT A VACATION. Unless your family lives inside Disney World.

My roommate for BlogHer and I were originally going to drive but there is NO WAY. Driving from Dallas to NYC will add two more days onto our trip that I don't have. I love road trips but this is not the time for one. What are my other options? Train? No. That will take even longer than driving. I guess that just leaves flying.

In a plane.

Yeah. It's happening. I haven't purchased my plane ticket yet but that's how I plan on getting to NYC. When I think about it is the feeling, the panic, the sweating, it all comes back to me. How can I do this? Can I really get on a plane? If not, am I going to let this stupid fear keep me from doing the things I want?

HELL NO.

Fuck you, fear of flying. If I have to get drunk to get on the damn plane that's exactly what I'll do.

So bid on my auctions and help me get to BlogHer (and yes, I included alcohol into the cost of my trip, DUH).

3 comments

Monday, May 17, 2010

The one where I bitch about how hard my life is

2:36 AM | Posted by Lauren

I pretty much live my life free from regret; You can't change the past so there is no point in dwelling on it or wishing you could go back and do it again so that you could do it right this time.

Yeah, life doesn't work like that.

Out of all of the not-so-bright things I've done in my life my biggest mistake was not going to college immediately after high school. I blame my parents for this (and they know it). Both of them pulled a disappearing act during my senior year and while they were trying to find themselves in the world as newly single people my sister and I were left scrambling to pick up the pieces. Unfortunately leaving two teen girls alone is a bad stupid dumb idea.

My senior year of high school was a disaster. I skipped class a lot. I had one class at the end of the day that I hated so much because of how truly pointless it was that I stopped attending. No truant officer ever showed up at my house and I would always make sure to delete any voice mails left by the school on our home answering machine before my mom got home from work (if she was even coming home that evening).

My depression was MBIC (Main Bitch In Charge) and I was along for the fucking ride. My friends starting getting flaky and it seemed like no one gave a shit about me anymore. I had a couple of friends who knew that I was emotionally unstable but it was too much for anyone to deal with. Therefore no one dealt with me. I was alone. And it sucked.

During the spring semester I decided that if I was going to go to college I better get my shit in order. I started attending Saturday school to make up the classes that I had missed but after making some headway I backslid. Hard. I got so deep into the black that I couldn't get out and ended up not graduating.

I admit that this fact embarrasses the shit out of me. Education is important and I look down on others who did not receive their high school diplomas but the truth is neither did I. I did get my GED later that year but it isn't the same thing. I didn't wear a robe and walk across the stage after having my name called in front of hundreds of people. I didn't have my own cheering section in the auditorium. And I can't go back and change that.

When I started college in January of the next year I went full time because the guy I was seeing worked and took care of me so that I could focus on school. It was a pretty sweet arrangement but after a year and a half I realized that the love was gone so I needed to move on with my life. I spent the next few years trying to juggle working full time and attending school full time. I didn't have a single successful semester under my belt during this time. It was such a goddamn waste of money and time. I was struggling and drowning.

When I met Jacob I was going to school but ended up withdrawing halfway through the semester. I was working full time and started to feel like my job was going to turn into a career even though it wasn't the career I wanted. I was promoted and we moved from Oklahoma to Texas and my job took up way too much of my time.

I enrolled for classes while I was pregnant with Avery. I was in my second trimester and feeling fine so I thought that I could handle working full time and attending evening classes. One of my classes kept me at school until 10:45pm two nights a week. I was exhausted. I couldn't do it anymore so I withdrew.

Another failed attempt.

In the fall of 2009 I decided that this was it. No more fuck-ups. I wasn't working a traditional job anymore and could take online classes. I would get it right this time. I took one class, sociology, and it was a breeze. I missed a few assignments because I'd forget to do them in a timely manner and ended up with a B. I still considered this return to academia a good one so I decided to keep going.

This semester was a nightmare. I took two classes which wasn't a problem but my professors appeared to be sabotaging me. One professor would have assignments listed on my grade sheet marked off with a zero as if I never completed it when I simply couldn't find the damn thing. She had assignments scattered all over the internet. It was a mess. I struggled so much that I would almost cry while sitting at Starbucks hiding behind my laptop so no one would see me. I would text Jacob venting about how fucking dumb my professor was and that the class could kiss my ass. I would throw a mini tantrum in the middle of Starbucks.

Thankfully the semester from hell is over but I haven't received my final grades yet.

When I think about how much I'm struggling it makes me wish I had different circumstances when I was a teenager. It makes me wish that my parents would have stayed married so that I could have had something a little more stable. I was always told that I MUST go to college but when it came down to actually going I had no one to support me.

Nine years later I'm here, in a house that my husband and I built for our daughter. I should have a degree by now. I should have two degrees by now. But I don't.

I can't tell Avery that having an education is the most valuable thing in the world unless I have one. And while Jacob hates the idea of needing a $50,000 piece of paper to validate his worth he needs to get his shit together and go back to school too.

It's been a tough road and while I hate that I didn't get my degree before I became an adult it is what it is and I can't turn back time. I just have to keep moving forward and get that shit done before I die.

7 comments

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Not the one who got away.

10:45 PM | Posted by Lauren

When I watch Glee it reminds me of high school. Obviously.

I was not in choir (and we didn't have show choir) but I was in orchestra which is kind of the same thing. Us orch-dorks were a tightly knit group. We hung out together before and after school and over four years we developed deep friendships that would last forever.

That last line is bullshit. I am currently only friends with ONE person I met in orchestra.

I digress.

There was a bass player named Mike Hunt* and he was my friend. We met in the ninth grade and while we were polar opposites we somehow clicked. During our sophomore year he got a car, a silver Ford Mustang, and I felt like royalty when he would pull up to my house in that thing.

He wasn't my type. At fifteen I didn't have a type but I knew he wasn't it. I was loud and expressed myself with my hot pink hair and band tee shirts and was attracted to the douchebags that played guitar in the cafeteria during lunch who usually ended up dating cheerleaders. Of course the rock star gets the hot chick and the artsy weird girl is left with, what? Nothing.

Oh yeah, friends. Oodles of guy FRIENDS. Like Mike.

He was an unknown in school until we went to homecoming together. We were sitting in his car and even though we were "just friends" I was still nervous about asking him to the dance. Yes, I asked him. He was so shy that there was no way that he was going to work up the nerve to ask anyone which meant that he was all mine. At the time I just wanted to go with a friend and have a good time dancing and getting into G-rated mischief.

After that people, and by people I mean GIRLS, kept coming up to me asking about Mike. Yes, he's cute, I agree. Yes, his eyes are very pretty. Yes, his smile gives me butterflies. Yes, I like him too.

Wait. What? I developed a crush on Mike and it was a doozy. Every time we hung out alone (which was a lot because by this point we were best friends) I wanted to tell him that I liked him. Or kiss him. Or hold his hand. Or cry.

I had never had a boyfriend or even kissed a boy so I didn't know what to do with my feelings. It was eating me alive. I didn't want it to ruin our friendship but part of me didn't care. I just wanted him to know. I needed to get it out of my head and into the universe.

And then Mike announced to me that he liked my best friend. And I died. Thankfully she didn't return the feelings but another one of our friends expressed interest in him and he went for it.

I eventually told him how I felt but it didn't matter. He wasn't my friend anymore. His girlfriend was jealous and I didn't want to deal with her. I don't remember the crush but I do remember how good it felt to have such a good friend who didn't try to sleep with me. Once I got out of high school I couldn't find a platonic male friendship to save my life.

I don't miss Mike or any of the friends I lost along the way but I will always keep those warm fuzzies with me because I am a shitty friend and have to make new ones all the time.

* Mike Hunt is not his real name. Say it out loud, you asshole.

6 comments

Monday, May 10, 2010

Why you should always bring a camera with you

9:38 AM | Posted by Lauren

On Tuesday night Bobbi and I went to Trees to see the MOTHER FUCKING DEFTONES.

After waiting around outside for what seemed like forever we finally got to rock out with our cocks out although if you read Bobbi's blog post her perspective is vastly different from mine. She may be a square but I sill love her.

Anyway, it was a killer show but I have regrets.

I didn't bring my camera with me. I took photos with my phone which will remain on there forever because I have no means to put them on my computer. Bobbi took photos with her iPhone but OF COURSE when we met the lead singer (hubba hubba) the douchebag that took the photo for us didn't hold still and we ended up with a bullshit photo where Chino (hubba hubba) and Bobbi look fuzzy but I look like an apparition from another dimension.

I have learned my lesson and will bring my camera with me everywhere from now on lest I want to continue to have shitty photos taken of me.

7 comments

Friday, May 7, 2010

Apparently they DO grow up too fast.

2:33 PM | Posted by Lauren

I love to sleep late in the morning. When I wake up around 10am I look at the baby monitor. It hums and the little red lights that light up when there is a noise spike are dim. I get out of bed and tiptoe down the hall so that I don't wake up Avery. When I go to check on her she isn't asleep and she's just sitting in her crib looking around or playing with her blanket.

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BABY?

She looks huge now. I don't walk in and see a tiny baby swaddled in her crib cooing at me. I see this giant baby person whose eyes light up when she sees me and she immediately starts talking to me. I don't know what the fuck she is saying but apparently she waited all night to tell me.

She knows that I am going to pick her up so she grabs her blanket and stands up. Such a deliberate action and I have no idea what to make of it. I carry her but she wants down so she can walk, nay, RUN into the kitchen for breakfast. She heads straight to the refrigerator and when I meet her there and open the door she points to a cup of soy yogurt.

Did she just make a choice about what to eat?

I put her in her booster seat but now I don't have to buckle her in. She sits still as I spoon the yogurt into her mouth and sometimes I let her wield the spoon and she gets it. My kid, the one who didn't know what the fuck to do with a sippy cup knows how to use utensils?

I see her doing things ON PURPOSE. And with purpose. She knows what time her dad comes home and will linger around the door to the mud room waiting for him. She figured out how to use the stereo (and we have never done it around her so she figured it out all by herself). She is becoming more social and even has a best friend.

When she turned one people started referring to her as a toddler. Well, not MY baby! Toddlers run and play and act like miniature adults. Avery still nurses and cuddles and likes being held; she is NOT a toddler.

And then one day shortly after her birthday we walked down the park and as soon as she saw it she squealed and took off towards the big yellow slide. She left Jacob and me in her dust wondering what had happened to our teeny baby.

I officially have a toddler and it's fucking SCARY.

10 comments

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Working girl

2:09 AM | Posted by Lauren

I have been posting a lot of fluff in the past week. I would apologize but really, who cares?

I want to get a part-time job.

I have been thinking about this recently and I have even talked to my pal Bobbi about it. I wouldn't mind working at a retail joint folding tee shirts for nine bucks an hour. Wouldn't we all like some extra cash? I would have to work in the evenings and weekends so I'd end up missing out on quality time with my husband. I enjoy the weekends now because we are free to spend time together as a family. We can do something (or nothing) and we're on no one else's time but ours. I cherish that time and don't want to lose it.

HOWEVER, I am tired of not having money to go out to dinner or to see a movie. Jacob and I can't go on dates because we simply can't afford it. I would love to be able to take a weekend trip to Austin but with what money? We knew that being a one income family would mean that we wouldn't be able to do whatever we wanted without planning for it but we aren't struggling and never fall behind on our bills either. When I eventually go back to work my income will go into savings or into a retirement fund. Except for the money we set aside for vacations. And private school. And unexpected medical expenses. And plastic surgery.

It would be fun to get out of the house and make some money. I would be able to pay for BlogHer without having Jacob foot the bill for a trip he isn't even going to take with me. I want to get more tattoos. I want to buy Jacob the television he's been not-so-subtly hinting at for over a year.

And I want to enroll Avery in Montessori and well, that shit is expensive.

I doubt that a part-time job's income will cover all of that but it will help.

Now I just have to find one.

5 comments