Thursday, April 29, 2010
Namaste, bitches
Tonight I attended my first yoga class in almost three years.
Did it make me feel awesome? YES. YES IT DID.
The class was laid back (the teacher was wearing a Green Day tee shirt) and small so there was room to spread out. There is nothing worse than being all up in someone's ass during warm-up poses. Even though it was my first class at this studio the teacher made sure she learned my name which isn't a big deal but it kind of is to me. I remembered her name so I expect her to remember mine.
The routines were simple; We did two sun salutation variations and then some warrior poses. Apparently I suck at all of those things because the teacher corrected my form. A lot. It seemed like she was messing with me more than anyone else and that made me feel self conscious.
Oh, and I also held in a fart for the entire sixty-minute class so maybe that's why my posture was off.
BECAUSE I WAS CLENCHING.
Other than feeling like the worst yogi in the class I enjoyed it. I wasn't the fattest person in there which was a plus (oh shut up. You know you notice shit like that too) and it felt like I was among friends even though I had never seen these people before.
I plan on going back but I'll make sure to eat light beforehand.
Monday, April 26, 2010
I'll steal a carcass for you then feed off the virus
Even though this is a blog about how fucking rock 'n roll I am I don't often talk about my passion for music and that doesn't make a damn bit of sense.
My favorite band IN THE UNIVERSE is the Deftones. Seriously. I want to move to southern California in hopes of running into one of the band members or their wives at Trader Joe's.
I set up an online vigil on my Myspace page when Chi Cheng, the band's bassist, got into a car accident and fell into a coma (this was last year; He is still in a coma).
I listened to Saturday Night Wrist over and over and over. Except for "Pink Cellphone." That track is just awful. Just. Fucking. Wrong.
Their music is significant in regards to my past and sometimes it's difficult to listen to it if I'm feeling low or pissed off at Jacob. I get day-dreamy about the what-ifs and way-back-whens and the good times with you-know-who and that's not a trip down memory lane I care to take. I am getting better at shoving him out of my head and at times I can't even believe the fond memories still pop up every now and again.
This is not about he-who-is-not-to-be-named. This is about the mother fucking Deftones.
The unnamed kind of looks like Chino Moreno, the leader singer. Shut up. If I ever saw that asshole (unnamed, not Chino) I would flee in order to avoid getting arrested for beating the shit out of him.
THIS IS NOT GOING WELL.
It is hard for me to separate unnamed toolbox from this band I love. I hate that he attached himself to their music. His passion for film making, his steadfast loyalty to his family, his tiny dick. Sometimes when "Change in the House of Flies" comes on the radio I remember the first time I heard the song. I was in high school and my taste in music was questionable. It was the coolest fucking song I'd ever heard. And I got to enjoy it for three years before it was tainted.
I have seen this band of mine in concert only three times and every time I was BLOWN AWAY. Chino screams his ass off and dives off the stage and I melt. His passion and the noise created out of it fills my soul.
My favorite band IN THE UNIVERSE is the Deftones. Seriously. I want to move to southern California in hopes of running into one of the band members or their wives at Trader Joe's.
I set up an online vigil on my Myspace page when Chi Cheng, the band's bassist, got into a car accident and fell into a coma (this was last year; He is still in a coma).
I listened to Saturday Night Wrist over and over and over. Except for "Pink Cellphone." That track is just awful. Just. Fucking. Wrong.
Their music is significant in regards to my past and sometimes it's difficult to listen to it if I'm feeling low or pissed off at Jacob. I get day-dreamy about the what-ifs and way-back-whens and the good times with you-know-who and that's not a trip down memory lane I care to take. I am getting better at shoving him out of my head and at times I can't even believe the fond memories still pop up every now and again.
This is not about he-who-is-not-to-be-named. This is about the mother fucking Deftones.
The unnamed kind of looks like Chino Moreno, the leader singer. Shut up. If I ever saw that asshole (unnamed, not Chino) I would flee in order to avoid getting arrested for beating the shit out of him.
THIS IS NOT GOING WELL.
It is hard for me to separate unnamed toolbox from this band I love. I hate that he attached himself to their music. His passion for film making, his steadfast loyalty to his family, his tiny dick. Sometimes when "Change in the House of Flies" comes on the radio I remember the first time I heard the song. I was in high school and my taste in music was questionable. It was the coolest fucking song I'd ever heard. And I got to enjoy it for three years before it was tainted.
I have seen this band of mine in concert only three times and every time I was BLOWN AWAY. Chino screams his ass off and dives off the stage and I melt. His passion and the noise created out of it fills my soul.
I will get to see them again on May first with my rockin' dad (holla, @mikeact41!) and until then I will be drooling over the single from their newest album Diamond Eyes (which comes out May 4th if you care which you should because I do).
I want to elaborate more on this. I really do. I am still very guarded when it comes to certain things. There are scars that I just can't show people.
ANYWAY. Deftones, FUCK YEAH!
FTC [INSERT EYEROLL HERE]: I wasn't compensated in any way for this post but I would LOVE some free Deftones swag and concert tickets. And maybe the band could stay at my house. I can cook. No really, I CAN cook.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Vomiting out of my ass
If you have been following my lazy vegan blog you know that I have been doing a "master cleanse" to rid my body of toxins and lose a little weight.
If you haven't been following along, that's what I'm doing. Shame on you.
Today I ended my cleanse and I am thirteen pounds lighter!
I learned a lot while on the cleanse:
Jacob and I are also going to build a vegetable garden in our backyard which will allow us to have fresh and organic fruits and vegetables (herbs too).
Big things are on the horizon for this tree hugger and her family.
If you haven't been following along, that's what I'm doing. Shame on you.
Today I ended my cleanse and I am thirteen pounds lighter!
I learned a lot while on the cleanse:
- I was living to eat instead of eating to live.
- Nighttime is dangerous for me in terms of snacking. I need to start going to bed earlier.
- I like lemonade but not forty gazillion glasses of it.
- If I need to fart I should probably do it on the toilet. You know, just in case.
- Losing three pounds in a single day may not be normal but it's AWESOME.
Jacob and I are also going to build a vegetable garden in our backyard which will allow us to have fresh and organic fruits and vegetables (herbs too).
Big things are on the horizon for this tree hugger and her family.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Breaking the bond (alternate title: GIMME MY TITTIES BACK!)
If you haven't been following my updates on my newest project you should:
I am documenting my 10-day cleanse (did you know I was doing that?) as well as posting vegan recipes and articles I find that pertain to being green and vegan.
Now, onto the post!
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I have been nursing Avery with no supplementation since she was one month old. That means that for almost twelve months every three to four hours I have had a child attached to my breast. Specifically my child. I don't nurse other people's children. Just to clarify.
Breastfeeding has been a great experience for both of us. She needs me and I need her and we both enjoy it.
HOWEVER I am ready for this chapter of her life to end. I need my tits back. I love how easy it is to put her sleep but I will rock her to sleep if it means that I don't have to nurse her anymore. I'm so done. I have been kind of weaning her by only nursing her when she asks for it (by tugging at my shirt) but now that she has started teething again I have been more lenient about whipping it out. She needs comfort and it's the best way I know how to comfort her.
The time has come! Next Saturday night Avery will be spending the night at her grandparents' house so that Jacob and I can have some quality alone time. It is going to be SWEET! The only problem is that I worry that she will become unbearable if she goes twenty-four hours without nursing. You can't wean cold turkey. Otherwise it wouldn't be called WEANING. Maybe this will be a good start to weaning. She'll realize that she can live without it and so can I.
I just hope that I don't have to spend half of the night hand expressing into the bathroom sink.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Strollin' with the homies
DUDES.
I currently push my poor little daughter around in the UGLIEST stroller ever made. I don't even know what brand it is but it's just awful. It's also really hard to push.
Did I mention that it was ugly?
I have a $50 giftcard to Target so I figured that I would put that towards a new stroller but I need help in picking one out. The following are the ones I like. Help me pick one! Tell me in the comments section which one I should buy!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Mamas don't let your babies grow up.....
When we were expecting Avery we bought and were gifted 0-3 month clothes by the truckload. She had the most extensive wardrobe I'd ever seen. Hell, she still does. In the weeks before she was born I washed, folded, hung up, and organized her clothes in her nursery. They waited in their fluffy pink cuteness to adorn my angel.
She was born. And she was TINY. Avery was only five and a half pounds when she was born and while she was full-term she was still very small. Since only preemie clothes would fit her we had to go shopping. The footie pajamas were so small and I couldn't believe that she was so delicate.
Her wardrobe also included some 12 month-sized outfits and while holding my swaddled little Peanut in my arms I looked at these giant outfits and thought to myself, "She will never be big enough for these."
Obviously that's stupid because OF COURSE she's going to grow. At the time it was hard to imagine my little baby growing at all and becoming, dare I say it, AN ADULT.
EW.
Now she's a walking, talking, sassy little toddler with a personality and she's wearing those 12 month clothes that I swore would never fit her.
I am never ready for the next step but it inevitably comes anyway.
She was born. And she was TINY. Avery was only five and a half pounds when she was born and while she was full-term she was still very small. Since only preemie clothes would fit her we had to go shopping. The footie pajamas were so small and I couldn't believe that she was so delicate.
Her wardrobe also included some 12 month-sized outfits and while holding my swaddled little Peanut in my arms I looked at these giant outfits and thought to myself, "She will never be big enough for these."
Obviously that's stupid because OF COURSE she's going to grow. At the time it was hard to imagine my little baby growing at all and becoming, dare I say it, AN ADULT.
EW.
Now she's a walking, talking, sassy little toddler with a personality and she's wearing those 12 month clothes that I swore would never fit her.
I am never ready for the next step but it inevitably comes anyway.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Dirrrrrrrrty.
I've got a new post up at Deep South Moms and I think it's a gem.
Read and comment.
Have a killer day!!
Monday, April 12, 2010
MOMMY'S Spring trend report or whatever
Spring is here and over at the MIRNR house I am getting ready by trying on shorts I couldn't wear last year (they still don't fit) and shaving my legs (with a chainsaw to remove the bulk). I am a basic v-neck tee and skinny jeans kind of girl (I dazzle with accessories) but for spring I try to cute it up a little bit and add more color. I do recommend stocking up on deep v-neck tee shirts. These are a total must-have to keep you cool during the day and you can layer the shit out of them if you need warmth. I own one in every color except pink in which I own three. Also? Get some cute sandals. Please do not wear Crocs or flip flops outside of your house unless you are taking out the trash or checking your mail. I make this plea all of the time but seriously, do it for the children.
Now is also a good time to ditch your oversized leather handbag. Get something smaller and lightweight unless you want it to stick to you while you're carrying it because you're sweating under its heat and weight. Think about it.
OH! And I know you bigger chicks are looking at that romper and thinking OH HELL NO! My sister is a big girl and she tried one on and it looked really cute. And doesn't it look comfy? I want to throw it on and wash my car or something else cute and 1970s-ish.
FTC BLAHBLAHBLAH: I wasn't paid one stinkin' dime for mentioning the above products but I should be getting paid. When is Lauren gonna get paid, bitches?!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Some lame quote aboout sisters
It's so quiet at casa crazyhouse today.
This morning my sister and niece headed back to Georgia after spending about three weeks at my house. It was like a slumber party that never ended. Except that it did. By now they are probably driving through Mississippi or Alabama or whatever. LUCKY FUCKING STATE.
My sister is thirteen months younger and five inches taller than me and she is my best friend. Our daughters are sixteen months apart and have learned so much from each other.
Avery now knows how to say "Spongebob." Hopefully she will unlearn that because I cannot watch another episode of that shit for the rest of my life.
My sister and I weren't always best friends and we still fight every now and again because she is a royal pain in the ass. I went to Six Flags with her even though I swore I would never go to that awful place after working there for a summer (this was about a million years ago). We went to a cake tasting for her wedding cake (Italian cream FTW!) and she poked fun at my post-baby belly while I tried on bridesmaid dresses.
No really, it was a good time.
We stayed up late and talked about who our favorite top model was (if you care I am totally rooting for Raina. That girl has got some FIERCE eyebrows). We opened up.
Oh, and we SHOPPED. Man, did we shop.
Now my house is quiet (and more clean). I am kind of lonely and will have to get used to it again.
She'll be back in November for the holidays but it isn't soon enough.
Kelly, I know that you don't read my blog because you are a jerk but I wanted you to know that I love you and had a great time with you. So come back soon you asshole.
Love,
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Oh shit, Lauren's weighing in on the whole breastfeeding issue.
My blog is far from controversial. Yeah, I curse and I'm kind of a bad ass but when I post my opinion on something I always get so much kickback that it pisses me off and totally turns me off writing how I really feel about [insert hot button topic here].
Fuck that. Not anymore.
There was a study that came out this week that states that breastfeeding SAVES LIVES. Almost 1,000 babies per year die from diseases and SIDS that could have been prevented if the child was breastfeeding.
This isn't in some third world country. THIS IS IN THE UNITED STATES.
This isn't a formula-guilt post. This is a BREASTFEEDING IS BEST FOR BABIES post.
Women choose not to breastfeed for all sorts of reasons but please don't tell me that you CAN'T breastfeed.
This isn't a formula-guilt post. This is a BREASTFEEDING IS BEST FOR BABIES post.
Women choose not to breastfeed for all sorts of reasons but please don't tell me that you CAN'T breastfeed.
Because that's not true. Your body is made for breastfeeding. And when I say breastfeed I'm referring to breast milk. I know that some women choose to exclusively pump so don't think that I mean that directly from the breast is best. It was the easiest for my daughter and me but I know that some babies are vicious assholes towards their mother's nipples.
What is my point?
If you choose not to breastfeed that is totally up to you but don't get all up in arms when a study comes out with even more evidence proving that breast milk is best for babies. It isn't an attack on you as a parent. It's just a fucking study. If there was definite proof that God doesn't exist would you regret believing? Probably not.
It's all about choices.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Spring cleaning
I am feeling frisky.
No. No I'm not. Don't touch me. Ever.
I used to have a Diaryland blog that was very private. The instant that I found out that someone I knew in real life read it I took it down. This was like seven years ago. ANYWAY. When I had that blog one of the ways I expressed myself was through my blog's design. I was pretty crafty with Photoshop and Dreamweaver and would create some pretty rad CSS for it. I would stay up late and come up with something new every month.
That's Cascading Style Sheets for those of you who don't know.
It wasn't a big-time fancy pants blog like mommy is rock n roll. This obnoxious behemoth is not so easy to change.
What the hell is the point of this post? Oh yeah. Changes ahead. Don't be scared if things look weird or don't work. And this may be premature anyway and I might not get things loaded this week. But whatever.
Um.... ooh, a distraction!
Aw, it's Avery hunting for Easter eggs!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
[Insert snarky comment about the bastardization of a Christian holiday]
A lot of my readers are Christians and I don't want to sound like an asshole. I won't question the correlation between crucifying the leader of a religion and hiding eggs. I can only assume that it's the result of hardcore marketing and consumerism by big businesses.
#whatev
I don't want to come across like a total asshole (too late!). I grew up in a Christian family and went to church on a fairly regular basis. I am no longer a Christian (I'm mostly atheist but there is still some Christ-residue in me). It's hard to ignore twenty-ish years of doctorine but I'm working on it.
Just so you know- Everytime someone asks me when we're going to get Avery baptized an angel falls from Heaven and I eat it with hot sauce and French fries.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Sweater hams - not something you're likely to see at Easter dinner.
I have always been fascinated by breasts.
Boobs.
Ta-tas.
Tits.
Fun bags.
Just kidding about that last one. I'm not a ten-year-old boy.
I remember having the smallest breasts of all of my friends in junior high. I felt like the thing that made me a WOMAN (a thirteen-year-old woman?) was missing. I was a late bloomer. So what?
I finally got a decent-sized rack when I was fifteen but I swear to you, dear readers, my boobs have NEVER been perky. I have never been able to get away with not wearing a bra. I should have purchased stock in Victoria's Secret.
When I got pregnant my boobs went from a nice and reasonable C cup to a fabulous porn-esque D cup.
Hubby was happy. I was happy. They looked AWESOME in low-cut tops and I finally had some sexy cleavage.
And then I gave birth. And with that came my milk. And a size E nursing bra.
E. As in A B C D DD...E. Did you know that you can't just walk into any ol' lingerie store and purchase a 40E bra? I also used to be a 36 but that's neither here nor there.
I can't buy my bras at Victoria's Secret. That icon of female sexuality is off-limits for me and my giant sweater hams.
I've been nursing for a year and after hearing about how your breasts go back to their pre-baby size while you're still nursing I knew that this was not going to be my luck. I was going to be stuck with E's forever. And while I thought I'd enjoy having such large tits I find that it's a total pain in the ass. I have to wear tops that are somewhat low-cut because a higher neckline just emphasizes the beasts' already massive size.
I hope that when I start to lose some weight that my boobs will shrink a little bit. That might just be wishful thinking but hey, a girl can dream, can't she?
This is truly a perfect example of the circle of life. Or maybe two circles. Two GIANT CIRCLES THAT KEEP ME FROM BEING ABLE TO RUN OR WEAR A STRAPLESS DRESS.
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- Lauren
- I'm a native Texan who doesn't eat meat. My husband is tall and my daughter is cute. I am loud but I'm shy. I write because I HAVE to write. I love heavy metal and wanted to name my kid "Metallica" but my husband vetoed it.
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