Wednesday, March 31, 2010
A bullet-list post that may feature things that annoy me but mostly random shit that probably doesn't deserve its own post
Today I was informed that too much profanity in ones writing can be a bad thing.
SAY WHAAAAAAAT?
I suppose I agree. I wish I had the before post to show you but here is the after.
- Oh yeah, bullets.
- Monday was my birthday and for my special day I ate the largest strawberry I've ever seen.
- It was like six regular strawberries combined into one super strawberry. It did not give me super powers.
- My favorite jeans right now are the Rockstar jean at Old Navy. No, this isn't a paid endorsement which is why I'm not going to link to it. I just love them in all of their jegging glory. It makes me feel, well, like a rockstar.
- My sister is having a wedding in January and I am going to be her wedding coordinator. Oh, and her matron of honor. Thanks, Kel! If you think I turn into the Hulk when I don't get my way multiply that times BIPOLAR DISORDER and you've got my sister. Whatev. It's going to be beautiful and let's face it- I know how to throw a killer party.
- I need a pedicure like a crackwhore needs crack. My feet are a busted-up mess.
- My daughter can officially walk but only when she feels like it. I have been cursed with a child as stubborn as myself. Sorry, mom and dad. A million times I'm sorry.
- On Friday Bobbi Janay, Stefanie, and I (and some friends of ours) will be getting swanked up and hitting the town to drink, sing karaoke, and get some piercings. What happens in Lower Greenville.... ;-)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Why children's birthday parties are always better with alcohol
Avery's first birthday party was Saturday and after freaking out and having mild panic attacks it went off PERFECTLY.
See what happens when you are an anal retentive control freak?
Perfection. Thankyouverymuch.
It was wonderful to be surrounded by all of the people that love our little family enough to drive to the sticks and stuff their faces with cupcakes and lil' smokies.
And.... WINE!!
My little angel had a good time playing with her grandparents and friends.
She didn't get the whole 'smash cake' concept but that's alright because it was still totally cute.
I hope that Avery will look at the photos from her party and know that her mommy and daddy gave her a killer bash and that we love her very much.
Anyway, here's a slideshow of the party. If you're viewing this post in a reader you will probably need to pop it into its own window to see the slideshow. Or don't. Whatev.
Monday, March 29, 2010
27 years ago
Today is my birthday. I have a history of bad birthdays so I'm reluctant to go into this one expecting anything.
Me with my Grandpa
Thursday, March 25, 2010
One year ago you were extracted from an incision in my stomach.
Avery,
The day you were born forever changed me. Of course it did! I not only have unsightly scars but I became a mom.
One year ago you were extracted from an incision in my stomach and into my heart. You were tiny and perfect and definitely the prettiest newborn I've ever seen. You looked so much like me with your red hair and blue eyes and cute little nose. I was relieved that you were finally born so that my feet and face could get back to normal. And also because I couldn't wait to snuggle you and smell you and kiss you.
The first time you lifted your head, rolled over, smiled, ate solids, crawled, talked (your first word was "mine"), and your first steps (which I STILL haven't gotten on video).
I have watched you grow and explore your new world and I thank you for letting me tag along.
Avery, your daddy and I love you so much. Happy birthday, baby.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Everything's dirtier in the south
I have two posts up over at Deep South Moms. You should check them out. They're chock-full of the funny and hey, it's BRAND NEW CONTENT!
And while you're there leave a comment will ya?!
I don't want "The Man" to think they made a bad decision by bringing me on board.
Dude. You all know I don't care. But seriously. It's good stuff. The other contributors are a decent read too. Check that shit out.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I bet werewolves don't have marital problems.
I was pissed off at my husband today. Not just at him but at Avery for cutting her finger on god-only-knows-what and at my niece for blocking my view of this by standing in front of the TV. At my sister for not wanting to go to Old Navy with me. At the snow. At the toys strewn all over my house.
You get the picture.
I WAS PISSED.
And I don't know why.
I yelled at Jacob and made him run to the store to get dinner and a pregnancy test. Spiking hormones could mean many things but I figured that after not being careful a few times (you know, UNPROTECTED SEX. Sorry dad) it was possible that I could be pregnant.
After eating a fucking meat-laden pizza (seriously, after cutting out meat and dairy this week I backslid in a big way and now feel gross) I pissed on a stick.
Don't worry. It was negative.
Part of me (the small awww aren't newborns so cute? part) was hoping it would be positive because then I'd know why I was so hormonal. Now? I'm completely at a loss.
I thought I was going to throw the D word at my husband today but lucky for him I noticed that Avery had gone number two and I realized that if we got divorced I'd ALWAYS have to change her diapers.
Just kidding. I change all of them now.
No. Just kidding about the divorce part. Not going to happen. EVER.
I really want to make things better in our marriage. I know what I need to do to improve myself but unfortunately I can't change me AND him. I would never expect him to change but I do expect him to take care of his health, his house, and his family. He needs to figure out what to do to improve his life and I need to focus on ME.
All work and no play makes Lauren go crazy.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
#3 with a bullet
Today is Saint Patrick's Day and it's also mine and Jacob's third wedding anniversary. I'm not one to write mushy love notes so hang in there as you read it. It gets better at the end. Also? I posted a handful of photos from our wedding. Because I know you little voyeurs eat up that shit.
Jacob,
I have started this note over four times.
I never thought that I'd be at a loss for words. I can always find what I want to say even if it isn't the most eloquent or poetic (it's usually neither of those things) but it seems like nothing would sound right. Nothing would adequately sum up my feelings for you.
You are the best partner I could have asked for and I am so proud to be married to you. You keep me calm when I'm boiling under the surface. You know exactly what to say to make me smile. You fill in the gaps of my movie trivia knowledge.
We are MEANT TO BE.
I love you so damn much and while I act like a bitch sometimes I just want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. Unless, of course, you did something stupid like not read my mind about doing the dishes. Then you get what's coming to you.
I love you more than words, buddy.
Love, You smokin' hot wife.
Our cupcake wedding cake.
My toss bouquet was some cheapy from the grocery store.
Of COURSE we had green beer on tap at our wedding. The glasses are engraved with Mrs. and Mr. and our wedding date 3.17.07.
Jacob,
I have started this note over four times.
I never thought that I'd be at a loss for words. I can always find what I want to say even if it isn't the most eloquent or poetic (it's usually neither of those things) but it seems like nothing would sound right. Nothing would adequately sum up my feelings for you.
You are the best partner I could have asked for and I am so proud to be married to you. You keep me calm when I'm boiling under the surface. You know exactly what to say to make me smile. You fill in the gaps of my movie trivia knowledge.
We are MEANT TO BE.
I love you so damn much and while I act like a bitch sometimes I just want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. Unless, of course, you did something stupid like not read my mind about doing the dishes. Then you get what's coming to you.
I love you more than words, buddy.
Love, You smokin' hot wife.
Our cupcake wedding cake.
It was tasty! (the kiss AND the cupcake!)
Of course I had my green on but those shoes, while totally cute, fucking hurt my toes.
Of course I had my green on but those shoes, while totally cute, fucking hurt my toes.
My toss bouquet was some cheapy from the grocery store.
Of COURSE we had green beer on tap at our wedding. The glasses are engraved with Mrs. and Mr. and our wedding date 3.17.07.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Right on track with 'normal.'
I noticed while scrolling through my blog's front page (I read my blog a lot; I'm my biggest fan) that I haven't posted any photos of the kiddo in awhile. Her birthday is coming up in eleven days so it will be baby photostravaganza around here but until then I have to churn out original content and that hurts my head. So here's something totally cute to watch instead of whatever it is you normally watch while not getting anything accomplished.
Maybe I'm expecting too much of my little Peanut but I'm surprised that she isn't walking all of the time yet. She will take a few steps and then decide to crawl the rest of the way. We haven't pushed her and she is held a lot which may affect her desire/ability to walk. I try to not worry about her development since she has been either early or right on track with what's 'normal.' But it's a mom thing. She may not want to walk yet but she's definitely fucking brilliant.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
But at least my tits look AH-MAZING.
I'm going to take this one sentence at a time until a story, anecdote, recipe, whatever, starts appearing on the screen.
I'm kidding about the recipe. I have posted recipes on this damn thing before but that isn't what this blog is about. Or is it. WHY AM I HERE? I guess posting my baking and cooking attempts is relevant to the "point" I'm trying to make with this thing. Which is what?
Oh yeah. I suck at baking and cooking.
Actually, that isn't entirely true. I make a rad vegetable lasagna. And notice how I didn't call it vegetarian lasagna? Just because something is vegetarian-friendly doesn't make it vegetarian. Whatever. We usually don't eat meat when we're at home. Did you know that? We're part-time vegetarians. But we're full-time BADASSES.
Avery's birthday party is coming up very soon and my head is already spinning in regards to the menu. I plan on making the cupcakes and her smash cake but as for everything else? I'm buying it pre-made. I get wicked stressed out when I'm planning parties especially when it comes to the food.
My niece's second birthday party was in November and OF COURSE I made all of the arrangements. It was pretty much thrown together at the last moment (which is awesome when you freak out under pressure) and I baked the cupcakes and ended up totally fucking up the frosting. It was from a can and ready to go. It should have been Lauren-proof.
It was not.
I wanted to put the frosting in a pastry bag and ice the cupcakes that way because I figured it would look nicer that way. I should not have tried a new technique twenty minutes before the party but hey, it was canned icing! EASY! The frosting was kind of too thick to put into the bag so I nuked it in the microwave.
What went into the microwave was frosting. What came out was oil and cream and this separated mess.
I poured the disaster into the bag and since the pastry bag tip was open it started coming out all over the counter. And it SMELLED. BAD.
I got it to stop and put the bag of oily frosting into the freezer to help thicken it back up. I pretty much ruined it but at this point I still have hope. With ten minutes left before we needed to head to the party I began to cry. I told Jacob through frustrated tears that I didn't want to go to this fucking party and that I should have just bought cupcakes and why did I agree to host the party and WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Jacob told me to suck it up and quit being a drama queen (or he hugged me and told me that it would be okay) and on our way to the party we stopped at the store and got the frosting that comes out the can like cheese whiz and I decorated the cupcakes once we arrived to the party location and the day was saved.
Now it's time for Avery's birthday party and I'm going to put myself through this shit again.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Don't answer that. Just teach me how to not fuck up frosting.
Actually, that isn't entirely true. I make a rad vegetable lasagna. And notice how I didn't call it vegetarian lasagna? Just because something is vegetarian-friendly doesn't make it vegetarian. Whatever. We usually don't eat meat when we're at home. Did you know that? We're part-time vegetarians. But we're full-time BADASSES.
Avery's birthday party is coming up very soon and my head is already spinning in regards to the menu. I plan on making the cupcakes and her smash cake but as for everything else? I'm buying it pre-made. I get wicked stressed out when I'm planning parties especially when it comes to the food.
My niece's second birthday party was in November and OF COURSE I made all of the arrangements. It was pretty much thrown together at the last moment (which is awesome when you freak out under pressure) and I baked the cupcakes and ended up totally fucking up the frosting. It was from a can and ready to go. It should have been Lauren-proof.
It was not.
I wanted to put the frosting in a pastry bag and ice the cupcakes that way because I figured it would look nicer that way. I should not have tried a new technique twenty minutes before the party but hey, it was canned icing! EASY! The frosting was kind of too thick to put into the bag so I nuked it in the microwave.
What went into the microwave was frosting. What came out was oil and cream and this separated mess.
I poured the disaster into the bag and since the pastry bag tip was open it started coming out all over the counter. And it SMELLED. BAD.
I got it to stop and put the bag of oily frosting into the freezer to help thicken it back up. I pretty much ruined it but at this point I still have hope. With ten minutes left before we needed to head to the party I began to cry. I told Jacob through frustrated tears that I didn't want to go to this fucking party and that I should have just bought cupcakes and why did I agree to host the party and WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Jacob told me to suck it up and quit being a drama queen (or he hugged me and told me that it would be okay) and on our way to the party we stopped at the store and got the frosting that comes out the can like cheese whiz and I decorated the cupcakes once we arrived to the party location and the day was saved.
Now it's time for Avery's birthday party and I'm going to put myself through this shit again.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Don't answer that. Just teach me how to not fuck up frosting.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Free strollers will get me out of my pajamas.
I hate it when the weekend approaches and I have nothing planned. It's frustrating because if I don't have a reason to get out of the house I'll end up rotting in front of the television with Jacob and it sucks. Actually that's kind of nice but dammit, not EVERY weekend.
Oh yeah, this post has a point.
This weekend I will be hitting up the DFW Family Expo in Fair Park on Saturday with my kiddo and my homeslice Bobbi and her kiddo.
That's right. SANS HUSBANDS.
It is going to be EPIC. Apparently there will be demonstrations, lots of vendors, maybe some freebies (I fucking love swag) and giveaways. They're giving away a Quinny Buzz and that alone will get me out of my pajamas.
Hopefully no random children will accidentally (or purposely) touch me. I'll bring my hand sanitizer. H1N1, people.
It's from 10am-5pm on Saturday, March 13th. You should come. And find me. You might also see Jill there too. She will be the hottest mama there.
Holy Disclosure Batman! I got free admission to the expo in hopes that I would blog about it and get the word out. I think I made out better on this deal than the expo people since I only have about five readers and only one of them lives in Dallas. So there you go. Win-win? Eh.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
See? I'm not the crazy one!
My sister is in town for the month and when she comes around she reminds me that I need to visit a psychiatrist.
Before you accuse me of being mean LET ME FUCKING EXPLAIN!
My baby sister (who is about five inches taller than me and naturally blonde) has bipolar disorder and was diagnosed when she was about fifteen years old. She has been on antidepressants for ten years except for when she was pregnant with my niece.
Anyway, she is night-and-day without her medication. In a bad way. My sister is unbearable. She flies off the handle and is so hateful and moody when she doesn't take her SSRI around the same time everyday. That's how severe it is.
When I'm around her it makes me think that I might have it too. I forget until I see her behaviors in myself. I can go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other within a single conversation (more like confrontation). While I'm on Zoloft for my anxiety (sweet, sweet Zoloft) I wonder if I need something to stabilize my moods so that I'm not an unpredictably horrible bitch to those I love. I'm sure that Jacob would appreciate it if I would seek medication for this so that we can remain married. We aren't close to getting divorced but how much longer can a person put up with this emotional abuse before getting out?
I think that Jacob needs too get help too. It won't happen but he should look into it. Marriage counseling might be a good idea for us. Not because we are heading towards the big D but because we need to learn how to handle the stress together. We need to learn how to talk to one another.
I thought that we were good at communicating but things have kind of gone downhill since we had Avery. It isn't her fault but a relationship changes once you bring a baby into it. That's just life.
So I'm admitting once again that I'm crazy. And if you need me to diagnose you I can. I'm an expert. Just don't ask to see my psychiatry license.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
It is what it is? Really? Is it?
I feel like I can share anything on this damn blog. Not this time.
I want to say it. I want to scream. I want to GET. IT. OUT.
And maybe if I did it here I wouldn't do it at anyone else. Like my husband.
I am not going to take complete responsibility for the mess we're in because we SHARE THIS MESS.
Even though I probably should elaborate and rant on about it I just can't. Not tonight. Maybe not ever. Writing is cathartic for me but I do not wish to hurt the person I love the most in an effort to make myself feel better. Although I think that this is a battle of hurting others to raise yourself up. Or whatever.
All I know is that tonight I was fighting with my husband while I was driving and got a speeding ticket.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I will devour your soul if it's covered in maple syrup and butter.
I am currently hiding in Jacob's home office. I may take the desk chair and start building a fort with it. Or just use it to block the door.
I have a wicked fucking headache. I'm tired. I'm pissed. I'm a nighmare. And a bitch too.
Oh, and I'm on a diet.
(That explains everything!)
I am eating nothing but raw fruits, vegetables, and nuts. For how long, you ask? Until someone dies. Most state penitentiaries don't cater to raw veganism. Hell, neither do I.
I almost ate an oatmeal pie when I was at my mom's this aftrenoon. And a cheese stick. And some dates.
I want a Dr. Pepper so badly. I actually enjoy drinking water but not all the fucking time.
Did I mention that this is only day two?
All I can say is that I have to remove myself from any temptations or I will fail. That means don't leave me in a room with carbs. Oh dear, sweet carbs.
Monday, March 1, 2010
A friend in need is a friend indeed.
There was a loss in my world on Friday. A life was taken too soon.
On Friday my dear friend Bobbi Janay miscarried her little Bug after carrying it for twelve weeks. She was spotting and at the urging of her sister-in-law the L&D nurse and EVERYONE on Twitter she went to the emergency room.
After poor treatment at the ER and a three hour wait followed by a two hour wait she was informed that the Bug has passed away.
She is heartbroken. Of course she is. If you have ever lost a child you know what she is going through but if you haven't you can't possibly understand. I hope that you don't know what it feels like. I hear her pain when she talks to me through tears. I try to distract her with jokes and remind her about Blogher '10 and booze. It helps for a minute. We start discussing her twenty-fifth birthday party. What she needs is something to look forward to in order to keep her occupied.
The worst part of losing Bug is that since she was so far along Bobbi did not naturally pass the baby. Unfortunately she will have to have a procedure called a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) in order to expel the fetus and prevent future problems with her reproductive organs which could cause another miscarriage or sterility. Which would be very bad.
Here's the deal - Medical procedures cost money. Money that Bobbi and her family do not have the funds to cover the costs associated with the D&C and aftercare. She needs your help. Please donate. You can click the 'donate' button below to donate or go to her blog to donate.
Whether you donate $1 or $100 please know that every little bit helps.
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WHO?
- Lauren
- I'm a native Texan who doesn't eat meat. My husband is tall and my daughter is cute. I am loud but I'm shy. I write because I HAVE to write. I love heavy metal and wanted to name my kid "Metallica" but my husband vetoed it.
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