Welcome to MOMMY IS ROCK N ROLL'S very first segment of REVIVE YOUR INNER BADASS. Okay, I don't know if that's what I'm actually going to call it but for now it will have to suffice. This week I bring you heavy metals; shiny, cold, spiky, dangerous. Can you handle it?

1. Apple iPhone 3GS rhinestone hard plastic case

2. BCBGeneration 'Pony' Boot 

3. Romeo & Juliet Couture black jersey dress

4. 1/10 ctw Diamond Skull and Crossbones Necklace 14k White Gold  

5. Le Silla bag

6. bareMinerals Tutorials: The Foiled Eye

7. E.vil Black burnout rhinestone heart tee

8. Kenneth Jay Lane gunmetal ring

9. Daisy Rock Pixie Folk-size Acoustic Guitar - Silver Sparkle 

10. Mixed chains chandelier

11. Lip Service Silver Black Metallic Leggings

It's so easy to throw on some mixed chains as a necklace or wear a pewter eyeshadow (even in the daytime). Edge out your look with just one piece and you'll definitely feel like the hottest toughest mom in the carpool line. Just don't rev the engine of your minivan. That? Not cool.

DISCLOSURE TIME! If you click on any of those links and purchase the item that I have recommended above I get a little cut of the sale. I honestly don't know how much but I'm sure it isn't enough to buy a latte or even a pack of gum. I am not doing this segment for the money but since I joined this link-for-cash thing or whatever I figured that I might as well actually post some links. So there you go. I selected the above items because I love them and not because some corporate suit mother fucker told me to do it. It's all me. Me and a no doubt futile attempt to squeeze a couple of bucks out of my blog.

I never ask for anything from you guys, my preshy readers (all three of you), but I need you to do something for me. Something important. Something worthy of your time.

I need you to go and vote for me for a Shorty Award in the #bacon category. All you have to do is type in my Twitter handle (@mommyisrocknrol, that's with ONE L) and a reason why I deserve this award. Be creative or lame but don't leave it blank!

Seriously.

If all of my readers vote for me I will win and then my life will be complete.

(I know that this is totally stupid but #bacon is MY hashtag and I want to claim it!)

Thanks in advance. And yes, I will know if you have done it so you better get on it before I hunt you down and spam the shit out of your Twitter account.

 

As you all know (or maybe you don't but you're about to so sit down and shut up) my goal is to write chick lit in a home in the mountains of Colorado.

First things first.

I need to start writing.

Oh, shit.

Jacob and I went on a date on Saturday.

Seriously. Without the baby.

We dropped Peanut off at my mom's around two in the afternoon and went to lunch at our favorite Tex-Mex joint (casual dining FTW!). I would be lying if I said we didn't drink.

Mmmmmm beer. Booze goes with fajitas like rama lama lama ka ding da ding da dong.

After noshing and gabbing and playing footsie we decided to see a movie. Going to the movies is monumental when you have children. Because you simply NEVER get to go. You just can't take a baby to the movies. We took Peanut to the theatre with us when we saw District 9 and she did really well but we couldn't focus on the movie. I had to nurse her until she fell asleep so that she wouldn't babble and scream.

ANYWAY. Jacob and I saw Avatar in 3D. It was rad. It was totally a commentary on how the colonists treated the Native Americans. Damn you, John Smith! Of course it portrayed the Americans as trigger-happy meatheads but that's pretty accurate, yes? Maybe not. Sometimes.

This is how I feel about the movie and its theme: I hate racism. I hate it when one group treats another differently (worse) because they are from a different place or look different. We are all biologically the same. No race or ethnic group is inferior to another group. That is a scientific fact, folks.

I will admit that I'm not always color blind. There are some stereotypes that run through my head when I see certain people. AND I HATE THAT. I know better.

I don't want my children to grow up in a society where racism and prejudice exists. We are equal but we really aren't. The equality gap keeps getting wider. The rich white people get richer (and more white?) and the poor black people get poorer. Things are NOT better.

I don't ever want my daughter to look at someone and instantly judge the person based on their appearance (unless they're wearing sweatpants in public. You are asking for it!). Those lessons start at home. If you want your children to treat equally you must do the same. Watch what you say around them.

Because being racist? Yeah, that's totally stupid.



 

So the plan is to revamp my blog to make it look, well, more professional. That's really stupid, isn't it?

I'm struggling with getting graphics to look right and I'm not going to even bother asking Jacob if I can pay someone to do it for me. Graphic designers are worth every penny but we don't have a penny to spend.

This means that I'm doing it myself which sucks ass.

I could just pick a lame-o generic template but I want my blog to reflect the writer. Which would be me.

HOWEVER I don't want it to look like some douchefluffer who doesn't take their writing seriously blogs here. And now I'm wishing I could change my "brand" name. It's too late for that, right?

Please give me some feedback. I would really like a one-word brand name. Or a two-word phrase. I feel like my current name is too narrow. Like I'm stuck with being the former rockin' badass when I want to be able to broaden what I blog about.

Unless I should have a narrow scope. No. No, I don't like that at all. My family will change and evolve and so will I and I want my blog to be able to grow with me.

I will be coming up with name ideas and you guys will get to vote. Someday soon.


UPDATE - NEVERMIND. I'll just stick to it. I'm me and it is what it is. My blog can be whatever I want it to be!! I'm ready to take this damn thing to the next level. Come with me, will you?

Lately I have been KILLING IT in the kitchen. Seriously. Rocking it.

I have been preparing my family's meals (like, three squares AND A MOTHER FUCKING SNACK) for the past week and enjoying it.

Wait. WHAT?

Yes. You heard me. No frozen pizzas here - I have been cooking shit from scratch. There are actually fresh fruits and vegetables in our refrigerator's crisper (in lieu of cans of Dr. Pepper). I'm quite proud of this change and I even lost four pounds last week. HOLLA.

I hit a few snags last week like when I packed raw asparagus in Jacob's lunch. Apparently asparagus MUST be cooked. Or when I burned the pancakes. And the rice. And the chicken.

But I didn't let that get me down. Practice makes perfect, blah blah blah. I was on a roll (like buttah) so I decided to cook up some fresh organic prepared-with-love applesauce for my family. I had some delicious Granny Smiths (my favorite) that I cored, boiled, and pureed. I added a little brown sugar and voila! I'm the BEST WIFE AND MOTHER EVER!

Clearly I love my family so much that I am making an honest effort to learn to cook and make healthy meals. I will probably be nominated for a Nobel prize this year.

So after the 'sauce chilled in the fridge all day I took it out and GODDAMMIT the lid on the container was stuck. So I struggled with it and

That's right.

My "hard" work for nothing. I would have scooped it back into the bowl but the cleanliness of my kitchen floor was questionable so it went in the trash.

Such a fucking waste.

So now do you all get it when I say that I HATE doing this domestic shit? Because every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I try to cook or bake something it goes awry. And not hilariously awry. Just... awry.

If my Zoloft wasn't making me so crazily stable I would have probably cried and left the mess on the floor in an act of defiance. Against myself. Which is stupid.

FUCK! I had a killer topic in my head all day and I JUST LOST IT.

I literally opened the Blogger "new post" page and it disappeared.

I don't know why I'm blogging about not having something to blog about.

How many times can I say blog in this post?

Seriously. This is bloggin' stupid.

I'm going to shove my bloggin' foot into your bloggin' ass.

Don't be such a blogger.

Get the blog off me. You fucking blogging cunt.

Seriously. Give me a topic.

I believe that, as new parents, there are many milestones that we reach as our children grow. The first time your baby says "mama" and knows that YOU are mama. The first time she crinkles her nose just like you do. The first time she poops in the bathtub.

Two little turds. Orange from the sweet potato she had the night before.

It was FUCKING GROSS. The tub was quickly evacuated (my niece was also bathing in the tub but mostly getting water all over the bathroom floor) and the poop was scooped up and flushed down the toilet.

I can handle her vomiting on me (or in my mouth, which yes, has happened). I can handle her peeing on me (again, totally happened). I CANNOT handle poop.

When I change her diaper I practically restrain her so that she doesn't accidentally touch her poop while trying to crawl away from me. Because POOP IS GROSS.

So now that we have reached that milestone Jacob and I are officially the parents of a disgusting creature who happens to also be really adorable.

So there was this weird little article on some British "news" site about the benefits of spanking.

WHAT?

Yeah. You read that right.

Benefits? To spanking?

Apparently if you spank your TWO YEAR OLD he or she will do better in school.

While this may or may not be true the benefits of spanking (which I still doubt) do not in ANY way outweigh the negatives.

Were you spanked as a child? I was. I was spanked until I was about thirteen years old. And while I don't vividly recall any one particular incident I do remember feeling humiliated. Spanking only shows the child that physical violence against another person is acceptable as long as you are doing it with love. Wait. That doesn't sound right. If you love someone why would you EVER hit them?

And I'm not talking about a little swat on the hand. I'm talking about spanking. You know the difference so don't try to split hairs with me on a technicality.

I'm sure that my generation's parents were spanked (and possibly worse) and they 'turned out okay.' And my parents spanked my sister and me and we 'turned out okay.' Really? Is OKAY enough for us?

And what if your child hits another child? How do you discipline him/her for this behavior? If spanking is your go-to method of discipline doesn't this create a 'do as I say not as I do' scenario?

And that, my friends, is lose-lose. Violence begats violence.

Just a quickie post because I know you all have lives and don't want to hear about mine.

Wait a damn minute. You read my blog so you MUST want to know! You are DYING inside!

And that makes me sad for you.

(sad face)

I signed up for SparkPeople tonight after discovering that they have meal plans and accompanying grocery lists designed around my specific weight loss and dietary needs.

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME.

So all I have to do is print the grocery list, um, buy the stuff, then prepare it.

Seriously. No guess work here.

Thank Buddha for that one because I hate planning our meals. I feel like it turns into such a cluster fuck and we end up not sticking to the schedule anyway and then the cheese for the thing gets eaten as a snack so there's no more cheese for the thing and then I can't make the thing so we have to move around the meals for that and it's just a disaster.

STOP EATING THE CHEESE, JACOB.

Anyway, since the husband and I would like to stop being fat but want to do it in a healthy way and actually make a lifestyle change I figure we'll give this a try.

The only downside to it is that I have to prepare three meals a day. Jacob doesn't eat breakfast or lunch because he's crazy but if I pack him a lunch he'll eat it. Great. I'm fucking June Cleaver over here making her husband a brown bag lunch.

Take my life. Please.


FTC DISCLOSURE LICK MY BALLSACK: Sparkpeople, Buddhism, cheese producers, and anyone else I'm forgetting did not compensate me for this post in any way. They totally should but they didn't. Someone should pay me to write. I'm not that bad, right? It's one of my (few) marketable skills.

Look, I don't DO resolutions. I have NEVER followed through with them. Yes, I did eventually quit smoking but I had to get pregnant for that to happen. Yes, I've lost weight before but I didn't hit the treadmill and the salad bar on January first.

Resolutions suck ass. I don't want to be pinned down by them.

Translation: I don't want to be held accountable. There. I said it.

What I would like to do this year is to keep doing well in school. I finally got a good semester under my belt and I am ready to get my degree. Hopefully the first of many.

I want to get my house put together. Living among boxes sucks and I know we've only been living here for four weeks but it's annoying.

Learn to bake.

HAHAHA just kidding. Fuck baking. I try and fail and it is what it is.

Stick with the running program and maybe enter some races.

So whatever. I resolve to keep rockin' in the free world. 2010, you better watch your ass!