If you know anything about me you must know how demanding I am and how greedy I can be and I crank it up to eleven around the holidays. Do I expect any of these items to be under my Christmas tree? Of course not. That just means that someone better not expect me to, ahem, plug in his lights Christmas morning. Without further ado I give you my wish list:

1. 2011 Ford Edge Limited AWD - $38,730 (price with all of the goodies that I selected)

Here's the deal: if I am going to get a car, a MOM car no less, it better look cool. And for fuck's sake give me GPS! My Focus (which I love even though it's kind of bitchy sometimes) doesn't have a working AC adapter so I can't plug anything into it. It's stupid and frustrating. So yeah. Bigger car. I'm a mom now! ME WANT GIANT AUTOMOBILE! Also my car is way too small for two car seats and a double stroller would never fit into my trunk (that's what she said). No, I'm not currently pregnant but as you all know we are going to start trying for spawn #2 in February. Also, my car smells and no matter what I do the smell won't go away so that means it's time to trade it in. Obviously.




2. Marshall combo amplifier - $399

Remember, this blog is Mommy is ROCK 'N ROLL. I have an electric acoustic guitar (which means it's an acoustic guitar that you can plug into an amp to rock the fuck out on James Taylor covers). After all, how will I motivate Jacob to buy a bass so we can jam together? My plan is to have a family band. Avery will play drums and child #2 can sing. Oh yeah, it's going to be sweet. We will call ourselves The Carltones. Gah that's catchy. It's such a 50's Motown group name. How about..... Eh fuck it. I'll brainstorm band names later. Rock out with our cock out, y'all.





3. Bissell ProHeat Deep Cleaner - $199

I'm not even asking for the top of the line carpet cleaner! How sad is this? All I want for Christmas is to fucking shampoo my living room carpet? My banal suburban existence has clearly reached its pinnacle. It can't get any better than this. UNLESS, of course, I have my awesome carpet cleaner!













4. New dishes - $130

We currently have these eggshell white dishes that don't have a shiny finish to them which means that any time one of them gets scratched it leaves an unattractive gray mark. They looked messed up from the moment we started using them. Anyway, folks, what I'd like are some black glossy dishes. That's right. Black. You know what? I'd even be cool with red. Yeah, that would look nice. And I like the not exactly square but not exactly round style.








5. Apple iPhone 4 - $300

Look. Everyone else has one. Oh, and I'll need the extra $50 per month paid to AT&T for having such a glorious phone. Even if I owned a smart phone we couldn't afford the charges. AT&T takes enough of our money and we just keep bending over and asking for more. But then we remember that we can't exactly speak with the ball-gag in our mouths so we whimper as our cruel mistress hits us harder.










6. Derek Hess original artwork - $150-800

I was introduced to Hess' artwork a few years ago by a coworker and it blew me away. It's raw and edgy and it's very emotional. He plays with images and puts them in scenarios that seem off but it's only to make you really look. He's badass. And I want a piece of badassery.















7. Krups Grinder/Coffee maker combo - $140

I know that everyone wants those single serving flavored coffee dispenser thingies but this? This is for real coffee drinkers. I love the smell of freshly ground coffee beans. I also love that it's probably easy enough for my husband to do for me so that when I get up in the morning the coffee is already made and ready for my enjoyment! And with a ten-cup pot well, I could drink coffee all day! Imagine how much I'd get done! Yes! Caffeine for the win!








8. Williams Sonoma All-Clad Copper Core 15-piece Stainless Steel Cookware set - $2200

This is the last set of cookware I will ever need. I dream of creating beautiful stir fry and curries and, well, even grilled cheeze (non-dairy, yo). I would never want to leave my kitchen. I would spend all day cooking and then delicately washing my new pots and pans. I would name them and give each handle a peck before tucking them into a velvet lined cabinet in my kitchen for the night.





I feel that it should go without saying but I know that it doesn't so here it is, my disclosure: I didn't get compensated in any way for this post. I do not work for nor have I ever been contacted by the companies selling these products. But if any of the companies selling these products would like to work with me please check out my contact information. (Gah, I'm a sleazebag.)