My kid is sick.

Not like dying sick (thankfully) but she isn't herself. On Thursday evening she had a fever of 101.9 degrees F and Jacob and I assumed it was from the shots she received on Monday. We gave her some ibuprofen and lots of cuddles. That fixes everything, right?

Notsomuch. She was miserable. On Friday the following happened on repeat: she fell asleep in my arms and her fever broke so I moved her to her crib. She woke up a couple of hours later and her fever was back. I gave her more ibuprofen and cuddles while trying to get her to eat or at least drink something. If she was being really fussy we would go outside for awhile.

Saturday we took her to an after-hours pediatrician since her regular doctor's office was only open until 11am and Avery slept til noon. The doctor said that Ave's throat looked red and swollen so they did a strep test which came back negative. They also took a throat culture but that hasn't come back yet (as of Monday). We told her how much ibuprofen we were giving her and apparently it wasn't nearly the dosage that her body needed. Oops. I was so worried about giving her too much medicine and I ended up not giving her enough. Rookie mistake. The doctor told us that the fever was a result of a virus and that it would have to run its course. Yeah, moms love hearing a diagnosis like that. The doctor may as well have shrugged her shoulders and said, "Eh, she's going to live. Whatever. Now give me your money."

Saturday evening she was finally fever free! HOWEVER, whatever was in her body was causing her to be violent towards herself. She would thrash around the room throwing her head back and often times hitting the floor pretty hard. She kept saying something that sounded like "moat" when Jacob and I would ask her what she wanted. Whatever moat is? We don't have it. We tried giving her milk, water, cookies, juice (which we NEVER buy but Jacob bought three different kinds of juice because apparently juice is good for the throat), noodles, fruit and basically whatever we had in the kitchen was offered to her. She didn't want any of it.

Oh, and the screaming. I don't know how I could have forgotten about the screaming.

She shrieks like she is in excruciating pain. It is the worst sound I have ever heard in my entire life. It renders me helpless. There is nothing I can do to stop the screaming. This noise has lasted through tonight (Monday night). I'm hoping that she will wake up in the morning and be well again.

On Monday I made a doctor's appointment. With HER doctor. I couldn't take it anymore. My baby was sick. Yes, her fever had gone away but it was replaced with something worse. In the morning we walked to the park and she ran around for a few minutes. When it was time for her nap she fought it and then fell asleep while I held her. I put her in her crib and went back to bed because I haven't gotten much sleep in the past four days. She slept for about forty-five minutes. That? Is not a nap. She was breaking my heart. Her screaming was killing me and then she fell and bit her tongue so hard that she bled and so now both of us were screaming and crying. I called Jacob and hysterically shrieked a voice mail telling him to come home.

Thankfully he did.

Ave and I went to her appointment where she behaved like a nightmare. Same diagnosis as Saturday's. Fuck. Fine. We went to the store on our way home and I picked up some popsicles and ingredients to make "chicken" noodle soup. I was terrified of taking her into the store but I wore her in the sling and she was well behaved. In fact she was being so good that two women who were shopping together commented on how lovely she was acting and how their children would never behave this well in public. That made me feel like I wasn't a total failure as a parent. You know, because I thrive on the validation of complete strangers.

The sicky fell asleep on the ride home and stayed asleep long enough for me to put her in her crib and take a shower. I made the attempt to lay down and take a nap but she woke up so I figured that while Jacob did his best to entertain her I would make dinner. Surprisingly after a few days of having my house fall apart I actually had some clean dishes so I made soup in hopes that the warm salty broth would soothe her throat.

Except that she ate two noodles and then decided to throw herself onto the kitchen floor.

Every task is a battle. She didn't want to take a bath so I got into the tub with her which she enjoyed (especially poking at my breasts which I think she has forgotten that she used to eat from them) until it was time to get out and get dressed. I gave her an adequate dosage of Tylenol and some gripe water (just in case her stomach hurt) and tried snuggling her to sleep. After a couple of episodes of Spongebob she fell asleep. She hasn't woken up yet but the night is young (it's only 2:30am after all).

I hope that whatever is causing this pain will go away. Not only is it hurting my baby but it's driving me crazy. I feel like a bad mom and when she starts screaming I just want to put her in her room and walk away. After two full days of the screaming I don't know if I can survive a third. I certainly don't think I would have survived today if Jacob hadn't come home early.

ANYWAY I am about to lose my shit if she doesn't start to get better.