Monday, May 17, 2010
The one where I bitch about how hard my life is
I pretty much live my life free from regret; You can't change the past so there is no point in dwelling on it or wishing you could go back and do it again so that you could do it right this time.
Yeah, life doesn't work like that.
Out of all of the not-so-bright things I've done in my life my biggest mistake was not going to college immediately after high school. I blame my parents for this (and they know it). Both of them pulled a disappearing act during my senior year and while they were trying to find themselves in the world as newly single people my sister and I were left scrambling to pick up the pieces. Unfortunately leaving two teen girls alone is a bad stupid dumb idea.
My senior year of high school was a disaster. I skipped class a lot. I had one class at the end of the day that I hated so much because of how truly pointless it was that I stopped attending. No truant officer ever showed up at my house and I would always make sure to delete any voice mails left by the school on our home answering machine before my mom got home from work (if she was even coming home that evening).
My depression was MBIC (Main Bitch In Charge) and I was along for the fucking ride. My friends starting getting flaky and it seemed like no one gave a shit about me anymore. I had a couple of friends who knew that I was emotionally unstable but it was too much for anyone to deal with. Therefore no one dealt with me. I was alone. And it sucked.
During the spring semester I decided that if I was going to go to college I better get my shit in order. I started attending Saturday school to make up the classes that I had missed but after making some headway I backslid. Hard. I got so deep into the black that I couldn't get out and ended up not graduating.
I admit that this fact embarrasses the shit out of me. Education is important and I look down on others who did not receive their high school diplomas but the truth is neither did I. I did get my GED later that year but it isn't the same thing. I didn't wear a robe and walk across the stage after having my name called in front of hundreds of people. I didn't have my own cheering section in the auditorium. And I can't go back and change that.
When I started college in January of the next year I went full time because the guy I was seeing worked and took care of me so that I could focus on school. It was a pretty sweet arrangement but after a year and a half I realized that the love was gone so I needed to move on with my life. I spent the next few years trying to juggle working full time and attending school full time. I didn't have a single successful semester under my belt during this time. It was such a goddamn waste of money and time. I was struggling and drowning.
When I met Jacob I was going to school but ended up withdrawing halfway through the semester. I was working full time and started to feel like my job was going to turn into a career even though it wasn't the career I wanted. I was promoted and we moved from Oklahoma to Texas and my job took up way too much of my time.
I enrolled for classes while I was pregnant with Avery. I was in my second trimester and feeling fine so I thought that I could handle working full time and attending evening classes. One of my classes kept me at school until 10:45pm two nights a week. I was exhausted. I couldn't do it anymore so I withdrew.
Another failed attempt.
In the fall of 2009 I decided that this was it. No more fuck-ups. I wasn't working a traditional job anymore and could take online classes. I would get it right this time. I took one class, sociology, and it was a breeze. I missed a few assignments because I'd forget to do them in a timely manner and ended up with a B. I still considered this return to academia a good one so I decided to keep going.
This semester was a nightmare. I took two classes which wasn't a problem but my professors appeared to be sabotaging me. One professor would have assignments listed on my grade sheet marked off with a zero as if I never completed it when I simply couldn't find the damn thing. She had assignments scattered all over the internet. It was a mess. I struggled so much that I would almost cry while sitting at Starbucks hiding behind my laptop so no one would see me. I would text Jacob venting about how fucking dumb my professor was and that the class could kiss my ass. I would throw a mini tantrum in the middle of Starbucks.
Thankfully the semester from hell is over but I haven't received my final grades yet.
When I think about how much I'm struggling it makes me wish I had different circumstances when I was a teenager. It makes me wish that my parents would have stayed married so that I could have had something a little more stable. I was always told that I MUST go to college but when it came down to actually going I had no one to support me.
Nine years later I'm here, in a house that my husband and I built for our daughter. I should have a degree by now. I should have two degrees by now. But I don't.
I can't tell Avery that having an education is the most valuable thing in the world unless I have one. And while Jacob hates the idea of needing a $50,000 piece of paper to validate his worth he needs to get his shit together and go back to school too.
It's been a tough road and while I hate that I didn't get my degree before I became an adult it is what it is and I can't turn back time. I just have to keep moving forward and get that shit done before I die.
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7 comments:
Wow! Great post Lauren! I really commend you because you keep getting right back up and trying again. You are amazing!
You also make me feel really lucky. The things you wrote about are things lucky little shits like me can't even comprehend! I mean, my parents are still together, they sent me to college even though I was too lazy to really apply for any scholarships even though I could surely have found one somewhere, and they supported me through SIX years of college while I figured out what the heck I wanted to do. Their sacrifices for me are amazing and sometimes it takes reading something like this post to really make me appreciate that. Thanks!
I was in a similar boat and I still haven't finished but part of that is I didn't go if I couldn't pay for it out of my own pocket. You will rock it and I know it.
Loved this post Lauren! Try, try again and it will happen...eventually.
I don't want to be 'that girl' but I could have written parts of this. I didn't finish high school and have a GED. Like your husband I don't feel I need the piece of paper but I know that I do because I know that I can't possibly talk to Nathaniel about education unless I have one.
My parents always pushed for college and I had to go, had to go and they never helped figure out HOW to go because they knew they couldn't afford it.
Anyway...hope you get your grades back soon and I'm sure you did awesome!
You know, I think you are doing awesome but it is also hard for me to tell you that having that piece of paper actually worth it, because I think people put WAY too much emotional value on it. If you have a job in mind where you do need a degree, sure, it is worth it.
But just to have a piece of paper...my husband doesn't have a degree and he makes way more money than me, and I have one (which is actually COMPLETELY UNRELATED to the career I've had for the last 10 years). My brother doesn't have one either and he is an awesome restaurant manager who is totally going to win.
I really believe that some people are happy going to school and it's worth it for them but for other people it is absolutely not worth the misery - for my brother and me it was all just too much misery and actually not really beneficial to our careers at all.
I just want to encourage you that if you feel in your heart that the degree is not worth it, that is completely OK. You can totally pick something you are awesome at and get experience at it and work your way into that field in a variety of ways that don't have to do with school if you want!
Wow, your story sounds a lot like mine! I did end up finishing college, after attending off and on, full time and part time for 9 years. I did it pregnant with twins and took my final classes parenting them and pregnant with a third. It can be done, but it's a rough road. Props to you for sticking it out Momma.
I agree, incredible courage & perseverance! Which means you can't help but succeed! I wish I'd had the balls to make a go of it, after my parents pulled the same shit....soon all 4 of my kids will be in school full days & what do I have left for me?? Great job Lauren, & way to set an awesome example for your girl!
Hey Lauren, I don't think you *have* to have a degree to instill in Avery the importance of an education.
You are obviously smart, well-versed, I think you will be able to explain how you feel about education and that it's something that she will want/will desire, like you do.
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