I actually planned on posting something HIGH-larious today but the images weren't showing up right. They were like teeny tiny and illegible so never mind. Maybe I'll dick with it tomorrow because it's pretty funny if I do say so myself.

And I do.

Doesn't my badge look rad? I made it myself. Now be good little readers and add it to your blogs.

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Since my previous post was picture-laden I won't post a Wordless Wednesday or Whatever today. That would be a cop-out and while I'm not above that I figured I would rock your world with some words.

Just kidding. My words are lame.

We are making some killer progress on the house and our closing date has been moved up from November 30th to the 25th. This excites me almost as much as fitting into my pre-pregnancy jeans (which hasn't happened yet, folks).

Our current residence is a disaster. There are (empty) boxes everywhere. Toys on the floor. Clothes on the sofa (and let's face it, on the floor too). I am a domestic failure and I don't care. Actually, I totally care. I CARE SO EFFING MUCH! I keep my kitchen clean because well, ew. I just suck and I mean SUCK at doing laundry. And so far the task of packing up all of our crap is going very slowly. JuJu has done more packing than I have which astounds and delights me. I would like to say that I'm making an honest effort but that would be a big fat lie. I stay up late and sleep in late and by the time I get up, shower, feed Peanut, and tweet for awhile I have wasted the whole day.

I can't promise that I'll stick with it for even an entire day but I would like to establish a schedule for my day. That sounds like total bullshit but I mean it! I have no reason to get up at a decent time in the morning. If Peanut will allow it we will easily sleep until noon. When she wakes up to eat I snuggle her close to me and we fall back to sleep. It's blissful but it makes me feel lazy. I know that I struggle with going to bed at night but that's because I don't really try. If I were to take some Benadryl early enough in the evening it will help me to feel tired earlier. If I go to bed earlier I'd get up earlier. That's how it works, right?

Whatever. I'll probably sleep in late again tomorrow.

Today was the best day. I slept in (as per usual) and once Peanut woke up JuJu took her so I could go back to sleep. We lounged in our pajamas and snuggled until we noticed that it's now or never to get to the park.
Peanut loves to swing. I love how she squeals and closes her eyes and looks so.... free. Like she's flying. And maybe she thinks she is. I won't tell her any differently.

Today we started over. We made up for yesterday which we both FUBAR'd and it was awesome. After the park we went to Best Buy so JuJu could play around and then we came home and had dinner. As a family. We were actually nice to each other. He was a little critical of my driving (why the fuck did I drive?!) but maybe I actually am a shitty driver. So I'll give him that one. That doesn't mean it isn't annoying. I still want to shove him onto Central expressway when he tells me to slow down and stop tailgating.

Baby steps.

"We could make a commercial about drunk driving with that video."

I furrow my brow at him. "WHAT?" The video I took of our daughter laughing while in the swing at the park is playing on my laptop.

"You know those commercials against drunk driving where they show a home movie and it has the person's birth and death dates."

I look down at Peanut who is nursing to sleep in my lap. Then back to my husband. "What the fuck are you talking about? Why would we make a commercial about Peanut dying in a drunk driving accident? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

He gave up on trying to explain it to me and went to bed. What I think he was TRYING to say is that he was thinking about Peanut today and the thought of her dying in a car accident popped into his head. It made him very upset and almost brought him to tears and I guess this was his way of telling me about it.

Communication FAIL.

I didn't get it. I was mortified that he was talking about Peanut dying because he knows how sensitive (translation: crazy) I am when it comes to our daughter. I didn't handle it well.

My heart hurts when I think about what happened today. I had a great day with Peanut. We woke up early and snuggled for a bit and after getting a shower and playing (and checking emails and Tweeting) we went to the park. Being in the sunshine on a beautiful autumn day with my daughter did more for me than any SSRI ever could. Her laughter and giddy babbling filled my ears and my heart. It was the best day.... and then JuJu got home and we drove to visit the house.

Actually, I drove which was a mistake because he is so critical of my driving and I end up getting so wound up that I want to shove him out of the car onto the highway.

We picked at each other. And then we would apologize. And pick some more. Back at home I tripped on a shoe and almost blew up at him for leaving his goddamned giant shoes of death in the middle of the walkway until I looked down and realized that it was my shoe.

We need to stop picking fights with each other. He says that I'm mean to him. I promise him that I'll work on it but the instant he leaves something on the floor or says anything that I can misinterpret I go right back into it. I'm a bully. And I hate it.

He went to bed without us resolving our problem. We never do that.

He and I need a break. Not from each other but from everything else. From work, school, responsibilities, money, and even the baby. The money isn't there but we need a vacation. Our marriage needs it.

I changed the layout. Do you like it? It looks fuzzy to some people but fine for others. I'll work on it but for now it is what it is.

That's totally not what I'm blogging about today. Except for the above. So I guess I did blog about it. Whatever. You are the devil. Which means that you don't exist. So there you have it. CIRCULAR LOGIC?

No. Not logical at all.

ANY-FUCKING-WAY, I met a young mom yesterday while my mom group was at the park. I looked at her and instantly judged her. I saw her edgy haircut and facial piercing and said to myself, This chick looks cool and I bet we'll click and become friends. WRONG. She was exclusive (practically ignoring me even though we were all participating in the conversation) and flat-out rude to me. We were talking about tattoos and one of the moms mentioned getting inked at Kat Von D's ex-husband's shop in Dallas. I said that Kat was pretty but that she wore too much makeup and her hair looked kinda ratty. Not only did this girl disagree with me but she was snotty about it. With bitch in her voice she pretty much spat on my opinion. MY OPINION wasn't welcome there. As we were all loading up our own cars and strapping our children into their carseats I yelled to her "It was nice to meet you!" And she yelled "Bye" in response. It sounded incredibly rude.

Maybe I was reading too much into it. I do that sometimes. Like, all of the time.

But that unpleasant interaction got me thinking about my friends. I don't have many which is fine with me but what I noticed is that none of my friends are like me. None of them listen to heavy metal or have a love of (consenting) body modification. My friends are not only different from me but they're all different from one another. And none of them are friends with each other. Their only commonality is me. This is when I realized that I love my friends because we're different. And we have things in common that actually matter. I can talk to them about the crazy and they can relate or empathize. Being friends with someone who is exactly like me would be nuts. And impossible because I generally can't stand those who act like me. I'm abrasive which is a quality I dispise in others. Hypocritical? Sure.

I think that the point of this post is that the things that make us different are the things that draw other people to us. Being different is wonderful and it isn't worth anyone's time to try and get someone to like you by not being yourself. Who has the energy for that?

So there you go. I love you just the way you are. Or I don't. But that's okay.

Ginger anodyne clears the palate

Remember Friday's post where I talk about how much I hate my brother-in-law and his wife?

Apparently she reads my blog. HI!!!

She whined to our mother-in-law about how the post hurt her feelings. Gimme a break, dude. She was worried that someone from some school would see it and think that she's not fit to be around children. What other people do with their children isn't my business but I what I do with MINE is. I know that she wouldn't hurt Peanut because if she did she would die. Because I would kill her. And no, sis-in-law, that wasn't a death threat. You try to find something wrong in everything JuJu and I say and do but you don't have a leg to stand on.

I am annoyed and tempted to say something hateful in regards to her children but I won't because I'm more mature than that. It isn't their fault, after all, and I don't know the whole story so it wouldn't be right to cast judgment on them or her.

Even though that's exactly what she does to me.

I get it. She's jealous. Her life isn't perfect but you know what? Neither is mine. At least I don't act like I'm better than everyone else but am secretly so insecure that I have to say negative things about others to make myself feel better.

Being a "Christian" doesn't make someone a good person.

The reality of it all is that she and I are completely different people and will never be friends. Even if she wasn't mean to me I don't think I would want to spend any more time with her than is necessary. I can't blame her for that and I don't. Her husband (JuJu's older brother) and JuJu do not get along. They might make small talk over a meal but that's it. They have never been friends and are very different from one another. JuJu's brother and sister-in-law just have shitty attitudes and everything that comes out of their mouths sounds hateful.

So we don't get along. It's no big deal as long as the parents don't get involved except that sister-in-law runs to mother-in-law and tattles to her. She expects our mother-in-law to confront me on her behalf?

Seriously, sis-in-law, get a life. My daughter deserves to have a good aunt and a good uncle. However, if she never develops a relationship with you it will not break my heart nor will it break JuJu's. The only person you are hurting is yourself.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was improving and decided that I would skip the Benadryl because I thought that I would be able to fall asleep without it. The Zoloft makes me drowsy but apparently that wasn't enough. I'm addicted to Benadryl!

No. I don't believe that.

Last night I was thinking about our trip to Oklahoma this weekend and that's when it happened.

A goddamned anxiety attack.

I hate my brother-in-law and his wife. YES. HATE.

I don't trust them. Mainly, I don't trust them with Peanut. They are disrespectful and pure garbage comes out when they open their mouths. I am afraid that one of them will harm her.

After talking with my mom about this I feel more confident that I will know what to do and say if they do anything that I am not comfortable with (which is often). When my sister-in-law says something offensive or disrespectful I am so shocked that anyone would actually be that hateful that I am left speechless.

NOT THIS TIME.

If I don't like what she's doing with the baby or if she's being a bitch I will simply get up and take the baby from her. I can do that. I'm the mom.

AND I'M DRUNK WITH POWER!

I wish that was it. This woman is the reason I had an anxiety attack after going almost two weeks without one. Isn't that awful? How DARE she?

I guess I can't blame her. It isn't her fault that I'm chock-full of crazy. I hate that I'm letting her affect me like this. I need to push this out of my mind and do my best to enjoy the weekend. I love my mother- and father-in-law. They are laid back and they love Peanut. And they love me. It's just that I don't have anything in common with anyone in JuJu's family. I'm an anomaly. With red hair.

Apparently not.

Yesterday on Dr. Phil (shut up! I don't normally watch it) he pitted mothers against each other for a knock-down drag-out fight between stay-at-home moms and working moms.


ONE NIGHT ONLY!


WHO WILL WIN?


Truthfully the show was boring as everyone was being sensitive to each other's feelings (which does NOT make for good television) except for Jessica. I am a huge fan of hers but that's not the point (and I do have one). She believes that if you have children you should stay home and raise them and not pay someone to do it for you. I totally agree with this statement.

HOWEVER.


Some women have to go back to work. Some women want to go back to work. And that's OKAY! It is important for women to support each other and encourage each other to do what is best for their families.


When I got pregnant I never imagined that I would become a SAHM. Not in a million years. I hated my job and the career path that I seemed to be stuck on but I figured that I would enjoy my twelve weeks of maternity leave while looking for another job. And if I couldn't find another job by the end of my leave then I would go back to my job and continue to look for something else. However I knew from the moment I held her in my arms that I couldn't leave her. Not to sound like a sappy bastard but she melted me. I was a puddle with a c-section scar. I couldn't go back to work.


My husband understood and supported my decision to stay home. It was going be a huge adjustment to make. Not only did we have a new person living with us (freeloader) but we were losing about half of our income. AND ON TOP OF THAT we decided to buy a house. While having two incomes would be great it isn't what's important to us.

We used to go out to dinner a lot. Like, A LOT. We bought electronics and clothes and DVD's and gifts. My husband bought me jewelry just because.

Now our life is filled with less. Less of everything. And while I'm grateful to be able to stay home with Peanut not having the stuff really sucks. It sucks to have to check our account balance to make sure we have enough money to buy groceries. I'm not talking about ribeye steaks and wine for dinner. I'm talking about rice and beans. We live in a rice and beans house.

Speaking of houses, I honestly don't know how we can afford our mortgage payments once we close on the house. We have no debt except for my car which we will be paying off with our tax credit which means that we have a lot of monthly living expenses. Or JuJu doesn't make enough money. I feel like I should get a part time job to help with the bills. I can work weekends and some evenings. But I'd rather not.

So there you have it. The SAHM vs. Working Mom debate is resolved! Do what is best for you and your family. That's what we're doing and I will not apologize for our choices. You shouldn't either.

For my sociology class I had to look at this data (page 164 in case it doesn't automatically take you to it) and write a little paper about what I found. I seriously hate this class. I think I have already satisfied this requirement with psychology but whatever. I'm stuck now so I might as well get through it. I believe that I am a decent writer (SHUT UP) but when it comes to throwing together an assignment while sitting inside of a noisy Starbucks this is the best I can do. So I decided to share it with you so that I don't have to actually write a real blog post tonight because I don't have the time.

While the health risks of smoking cigarettes are widely known it is also common knowledge that teenagers don't always do what is best for themselves. With all of the anti-smoking public service announcements on television and celebrities speaking out against smoking the number of teenagers that smoke is staggering. This is the demographic that is the most easily influenced by the media but they are also heavily influenced by their peers. In the thirteen year span of the data it appears that the use of cigarettes by eighth graders, tenth graders, and seniors has decreased overall by an average of 5-6%. Males are more likely to smoke than females. Whites are twice as likely to smoke than blacks. The number of teens who smoke increases as they get older which is to be expected. While the number of teens who smoke has decreased it's still a high number considering that the legal age to purchase cigarettes is 18. Most high school seniors are around 18 years old but the percentage of seniors smoking compared to the other grades isn't that much. This means that the eighth and tenth graders are getting cigarettes by other means such as theft. In addition to underage smoking theft is also a crime. Marijuana is a substance that is illegal regardless of age. The percentage of eighth graders using marijuana increased 6% from 1991 to 1995 which is a huge jump. Teens are smoking marijuana at about the same rates as cigarettes and higher in some cases. We need to ask ourselves how these children are obtaining these illegal substances. In 2003 7.5% of eighth graders have used marijuana within the past month that the data was collected. What does this mean? One in thirteen eighth graders have smoked marijuana. Cocaine, which is definitely a much more dangerous substance than cigarettes and marijuana, is also being abused by teenagers. While the percentages are much lower it is still out there and in the hands of our children. From 1980 to 2003 the percentage of seniors using cocaine has decreased from 5.2 to 2.1% which is a good sign but the percentage of eighth and tenth graders using cocaine has increased by 0.6 and 0.4%, respectively. In 2003 about 1% of eighth graders used cocaine. That number should be zero. As a society we need to figure out where we are failing in educating our children on the dangers of drug abuse. We are getting the message across about cigarettes but not about the more dangerous and illegal substances. I think our government needs to throw some funding at anti-drug programs like we had in the 1980's. Also, parents need to have those conversations with their children about drugs.

Things look weird right now.

DEAL WITH IT. It's almost 3am and I have dicked around with the blog long enough. I'll return to it tomorrow.

So... pardon my dust. Or whatever.

I was enjoying a miniature can of Dr. Pepper while watching Good Eats and I thought to myself:
Why don't you write an actual blog post this week, douchefluffer?
Fine. But you'll be sorry!
I have got some housekeeping to tend to here at MIRNR so if things look weird don't worry about it. Just take a trip through the archives. Everything will be okay.
----------------------------------------------------
I have been on Zoloft (rather, the generic version that only costs me $10) for two weeks and I think that I am getting better. By better, of course, I mean that I only need a Benadryl to help me fall asleep and not a Vicodin. Also, I can now go to sleep around 2am instead of 4am. I noticed that when I go to bed I don't lay awake and think of awful things which is the most important change that needed to happen. Sometimes a scary scenario will pop into my head but it doesn't stay there for too long.
I am still a jerk but I would like to think that I'm working on it.

This is also for a good cause! Jen at Baby Makin' Machine is also raising money for the March of Dimes so check out her site for ways to donate and enter her raffle for killer prizes.

This is not a blog post about how I don't like it when people make plans right in front of me but don't include me. You know why I am not going to go into a high school-esque tirade about how I hate feeling like no one likes me? No? I'll tell you why.

Fuck you, that's why.

Actually my feelings aren't really hurt but it was annoying to see it. I think I need to delete my Facebook account. I am getting tired of social networking sites. Not Twitter though. I want to go to bed with Twitter.

What I really wanted to blog about this evening is my mother. She does not read my blog because she's a total square who doesn't know how to use the internets.

I digress.

My mom has been telling me on almost a daily basis how tired she is these days. She struggles with falling to sleep and cannot stay asleep but during the day she'll lay down for a nap and be out within minutes. I suggested that she talk to her doctor about sleep apnea. JuJu's dad has it and has to sleep with a CPAP machine* that helps him breathe.

Sleep apnea can be caused by many things but the big one is being overweight. Sorry mom, you know you're a big woman and it's contributing to your sleep disorder.

She completed a sleep study last Friday and the results from that determined that she does in fact have sleep apnea. She also noticed that her left leg was twitching. Weird. Could be restless leg syndrome which sounds HILARIOUS but I had it when I was pregnant and it SUCKED. Anyway, it wasn't RLS.

A couple of years ago she had a blood clot in her leg. It was caught early because my mom is a hypochondriac so it wasn't at a life-threatening stage. What I'm trying to say is that it's back. The fucking blood clot is back. She assured me that it wasn't a big deal and that her doctor was going to prescribe her a low dose of Coumadin* to take daily to help prevent future blood clots.

After doing some research about blood clots (because I know how to use the internets) I learned that a clot in the leg is called deep vein thrombosus and if it breaks free and travels to the lungs it is, well, BAD. Pulmonary embolism (clot in the lung) is the third highest cause of death in the United States.

GREAT.

I am optimistic because even though my mother is overweight she takes pretty good care of herself. I am sure that she will be just fine.

She will be fine. SHE HAS TO BE FINE.




* I did not get paid anything to mention these products. And I'm pissed off that I feel like I have to do this disclosure.

I was inspired by Holly's post about getting organized and making choices in order to simplify my life and to eliminate this constant feeling of being overwhelmed. I think I have taken on too many things and rather than accomplishing something I end up getting nothing finished. A lot of starts, not a lot of follow-throughs.


This is what I am currently trying to do:

Coursework for one online college course (Sociology -I have about three assignments per week).

Bow making - I wanted to open up an Etsy shop by the beginning of November so that I could make some money for Christmas. I wanted to finished about fifty bows before opening the store so that I have some decent inventory.

Twice a week I walk with my mom group. I think that some of them are losing interest though.

Organizing and keeping/tossing/selling items to get ready to pack (we are moving on November 30th!).

Packing.

Entertaining a six month old baby. Also, keeping her from killing herself by chewing on electrical cords.

Dieting (FAIL)

Blogging (notice the infrequency of entries lately? Me too.)

Reading blogs (WHAT?! It's a hobby)

Preparing for NaNoWriMo.

Revamping my blog design.

Add to that the daily stuff like cleaning (meh) and cooking (grilled cheese!) and showering (baby wipes!) and being a good wife (not tonight honey!) and I am left feeling drained. I have nothing left to give. I can't focus on any one thing because I'm trying to do it all. How's that working for ya? IT'S NOT, Dr. Phil. It's not working at all. THANKYOUFORASKING.

So here is what I am going to do - NOTHING. Okay, that's a lie. Sounds nice, doesn't it? I need to keep up with my coursework because if I screw up this time I'm just going to quit trying to go to school. I have been a college freshman for eight years. I think that's long enough.

I will not be opening up my bow store on Etsy until next year. I just can't give it enough attention right now.

JuJu and I are gearing up for NaNoWriMo. He isn't going to be participating but he will be making sure that I get plenty of time to knock it out. He will watch the baby while I disappear a few times a week. I love my husband. Maybe I'll dedicate my novel to him. If he's lucky.

We close on the house on November 30th which means that we have less than two months to organize and pack. I need to make a list of what I'd like us to tackle to keep us on track. I'm so excited to be getting out of this apartment and into our very own home.

So there it is. Most boring post ever.

I received this award in July but since I enjoy talking about myself I'll do it again. Thank you Sarah for giving me something to write about today.

Basically I am supposed to list about ten fun facts about myself.

1. I love to pop pimples. Especially if they're on someone else.

2. I used to play the viola. In fact, I played for ten years and I was very good. Now? I couldn't even tune it correctly. I know because I have tried and broken strings.

3. Now that I'm on Zoloft I feel like I am part of some inner circle of medicated moms and we know something you don't know. Or whatever.

4. I secretly wish that I had tiny boobs. But I also wish I had perky porn melons. How about I just say that I don't like my boobs because they are too big and they sag.

5. I am currently eating a chunk of semi-sweet baking chocolate. I bought it to make fudge. That didn't happen.

6. I shave my armpits every single day. Even if I don't take a shower.

7. I preach to my family about gender roles and how I don't want Peanut to be pinned down by them but I dress her in pink and parade her around in big bows and dresses.

8. My daughter's favorite toy right now is an empty 20 oz. plastic Dr. Pepper bottle.

9. I want to lose weight and be thin so that I don't have to buy my clothes at Old Navy anymore.

10. The Aquabats are my new favorite band.