She didn't smile or laugh at the pool but she didn't cry either which means that she probably enjoyed herself. It was her first time and as you can see she can't do anything on her own but she looked adorable!

(Peanut and her Grandma(my mom))

My in-laws worked on their pool this afternoon but it's still too chemical-y and cold to go swimming. It might be ready tomorrow but I didn't bring my bathing suit on this trip. I am scared to put it on for fear that my body is really as bad as I think it is. I know, I know, I'm 8 weeks post-partum and 4-weeks post-op. Not only did I just have a baby but I had surgery so it's not like I'd be able to do any strenuous exercise anyway. Thank goodness that I'm breastfeeding because that is probably keeping me from gaining weight again since I'm not terribly active these days. Avery and I go for walks but mostly we lounge on the sofa or have tummy time on the floor. I guess I need to do more. JuJu and I have tried dieting but then one night we'll get lazy and order pizza. We keep starting over but we keep failing. I am tired of feeling squishy and unattractive. I'm glad that my face isn't swollen anymore because then I'd be really depressed about my appearance.

My little family will be going to visit JuJu's parents in Oklahoma for Memorial weekend. JuJu has a four-day weekend so it seemed like the best time to go. We hardly ever visit them because by the time JuJu gets off work on Fridays it is pretty late and we don't really get to spend much time with them.

They also have their pool ready for Memorial weekend and while I do not feel attractive at all right now I will don a swimsuit because I love to swim! I don't think we'll get Avery in the water since it will be too cold.

Look, I realize that today's post sucks. I felt obligated to write something and it's 5 in the morning. Right now I am trying to get my angel to go back to sleep.

Sorta.

She is too cute.

Avery laughs! It's so cute! She only does it when she is sleeping but there is no mistaking it! If we didn't have a feeding at this most ungodly hour I would have missed it.

I love my daughter.

On an average day I:

I am going to take my husband on a cruise in October.

I guess we really need to get serious about losing weight.

He is stressed out about money and his job and just life in general so he needs a vacation. I do too.

I think that Avery laughed today. She was asleep but I SWEAR she chuckled a little bit.

She and I are going to start some sleep training next week. I am going to get her out of my bed. She hates her crib and that is unacceptable! I miss my husband and I want to snuggle with him again so that means that Avery's gotta go.... back to her own room. We decorated her room and it's fabulous and she has never slept in it. I don't believe in the "cry it out" method and I will do what feels right for Avery and me in order to be successful. (CLICK HERE for a stellar explanation against CIO @phdinparenting)

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE co-sleeping with Avery. She's so warm and snuggly and having her right next to me makes her night feedings super easy. Also, she falls asleep whilst nursing so obviously having her in bed with me makes it easy because I don't have to move her once she's asleep. It's going to be tough but I truly feel that it's important for Avery's mom and dad (ie - JuJu and me) to have a strong, loving, and intimate relationship. It's kinda hard to do that when there's a baby in our bed and I'm holding her instead of my husband.

Okay, let's face it. I miss having sex. And my child isn't going to feel detached and unloved because she sleeps in a different room than we do. It will take some time and I anticipate that I will be sleeping in her room for awhile so that while we're adjusting to it and she cries every time I put her down she won't wake up her dad. Lucky for me the world's best napping sofa is in her room so I won't be totally sleep deprived.

I actually want to start the 'training' tonight but she and I are going out of town this weekend so it would be stupid to do something for two nights and then stop for two nights. I don't want to confuse her. I am going to make this as painless as possible for her and for me. I can't stand to hear her cry. Not only does it break my heart but it makes my nipples hurt.

I hate pop music but I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE Justin Timberlake. Seriously. I think his music is fabulous and sexy and edgy. He's a good actor too, and he's apparently very funny.

I have nothing to post.

(She was two days old in this photo - we were still in the hospital. I didn't seem to have any current BFing photos where I don't look as bloated)

My in-laws are visiting from Oklahoma this weekend. I sorta cleaned the house but not really. It wasn't that messy to begin with but we have small piles of junk that accumulate on the coffee table and behind the sofa. I would assume that they don't care what our apartment looks like because they know that we like, JUST had a baby and when I'm not taking care of her I'm exhausted. There are two baskets full of laundry in our bedroom that need to be put away. We have a double sink and one of them is full of dirty dishes. The kitchen floor needs to be swept. The living room needs to be vacuumed. I just have no energy today. OR EVER. It would be nice to hand her off to someone else for a night so I can get some sleep but I can't imagine her not being next to me no matter how desperate for sleep I get. I've looked online at some other moms' sleep schedules for their newborns and comparatively Peanut's sleeping schedule is wonky in my opinion. Her schedule is as follows:

5:00 am - wake up and eat

6:00 - 8:00 - sleep (both of us)

8:00 am - wake up and eat

11:00 am - eat again

12:00 - 15:00 - naptime (for her, not me)

15:00 - wake up and eat

19:00 - 22:00 - sleep (again, just her, not me)

22:00 - wake up and eat

1:00 am - eat again

2:00 am - 5:00 am - sleep (both of us!)

My goal starting next week is to start establishing a routine for Peanut and me. Wish me luck. It's going to be tough but so help me we will nail it so that mommy can get some sleep.

I will officially be unemployed on May 11th!!!!!!! YAY! However, I am being pushed to look for a job. I bet that we could survive solely on JuJu's income but it wouldn't be surviving the way we're used to - with cable TV/internet, new cars, going out to eat, etc. I applied for a work-at-home inbound call center position. It's part-time and only pays $8.50 an hour which is, well, not a lot. It's only $800 per month BEFORE taxes. Although that isn't bad if we aren't paying for daycare which we wouldn't be if I worked at home. I'd rather do something with data entry so I don't have to keep Peanut quiet while I'm on the phone but I'll take what I can get. If I do this job I can stay at home with her and I'm only working 5 hours per day. I can then have time to take some online college courses. I want to go back to school, dammit! If I pursue the other opportunity that's been presented to me I would be working in an administrative assistant role for the city and it would be full-time. I would make enough to put her in daycare :-( and actually bring home money. Although, I think I'd be bringing home around $800 per month that wouldn't be going towards daycare so maybe staying home and doing the work at home job would be better. Ugh.

I'd rather not deal with this.

The position with the city would be great because it would STABLE. Working for the public sector in this economy is the best thing anyone can ask for. I wouldn't have to worry about getting fired and they offer very attractive benefits.

I'm torn but I haven't interviewed for either position yet. I just want something that won't suck the life out of me. I also want to have time to go back to school. I plan on taking online classes when available so it isn't taking too much time away from my daughter.

I want to do something with my life. I want to be proud of what I do and I want my daughter to be proud of me, too. I am thinking about nursing but I don't want to start taking classes to get towards that and then end up changing my mind. I wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up.

Is anyone else struggling with this? Is it just me?

Today her "awake time" was much longer than usual so I figured we'd try out her activity gym since it was just taking up space in her room. Now it's taking up space in the living room.


I have really enjoyed playing with her today. I love it when Avery is awake but not fussy. It seems like her personality is developing more each day and I love witnessing her grow mentally and physically every day. It lets me know that JuJu and I are doing a good job so far and that we are nurturing her. I need to give her more solo playtime. Holding her is so comforting for both of us that I tend to not put her down. She needs to get some solo time so that's something that I need to work on. I don't want her to be totally dependent on me (or anyone else for that matter) for entertainment.

I can't decide which format in which to put Peanut's age in the blog titles.

WHOCARES.

Should I really be doing it? Can't I just do it for milestone ages? Whatever. I'm retarded.

Jacob and I start our diet tomorrow. We have our goal jeans laid out and just for fun (or to make myself feel bad) I took my current jeans (the ones I bought a couple of weeks ago) and compared them to my goal jeans.

That. Is. Depressing. My current jeans have what I always referred to as the HUGE MOM ASS and I can't believe that I actually own such a pair of jeans. I've got to lose weight! If I am brave enough I might put a weight loss tracker on the blog but I don't know yet.... I don't know if I want to be faced with the number every time I go to my blog. Or whatever. I stand on the mother fucking scale everyday. Speaking of scales....

Peanut is now 8 lbs and 21 inches long! We weighed and measured her today. I can't remember when we weighed her last but it seems like she's right on track. She's almost 6 weeks old and has gained 2.5 lbs and grown 2.5 inches since birth. That seems good to me! My dear pal Steph's kiddo is 9 weeks old and has gained 6lbs. He was already 9 lbs at birth and now he's a whopping 15 lbs. She breastfeeds exclusively (or he gets a bottle of expressed breast milk while mom's at work) so she must be cranking out milk like a goddamned dairy cow. He's gorgeous but he is definitely a HUGE FRICKIN' BABY.

Anyway, hooray for babies that are gaining weight and hooray for JuJu and me for starting a diet tomorrow. I know we can do it.

I have typed an opener to this post three times and deleted it three times. I was going to talk about how Peanut, JuJu and I went to the mall today and how it has been raining really hard all day. Boring. I mean to say that it would be boring to read - I had a good time with my hubby and my kiddo. We got ice cream, walked around and made fun of the teenagers, and I bought 00g and 7/16" tapers for my current lobe-stretching endeavor. I have never gone larger than a 0g so this should be interesting.

OH! JuJu and I decided to take losing weight VERY seriously starting on Monday. We bought him some jeans that are three sizes too small as an incentive - his 'goal' jeans. I have goal jeans too. Very HOTTTTTTTTT True Religion jeans that I bought over two years ago and was only able to wear ONE TIME (they were tight and didn't sit right so they keep kinda falling down but hey, I got 'em buttoned!). The tag says they are a 32 (or size 14) but they most certainly are NOT a size 14. I can't wear a size 14 in any brand right now but I'm sure that these jeans are closer to a size 10 than a 14. Anyway, they are my goal jeans. My stomach is still kinda sore from my surgery but I'm still going to start walking and doing some light cardio. I have never been this big before (yes I know I'm only 5 weeks post-partum but I was still at my heaviest before I got pregnant) and I want to get down to a size that I've never been before. JuJu has a similar goal and I know that we can do it if we just try and keep at it. Our problem always lies with our commitment. We will stick to a plan and do really well and even see results but after about a month we stop for whatever reason and end up gaining back the weight. Well, NO MORE! Hopefully.